Saturday, April 30, 2011

Achieving Silence

"One of the nice things about marriage, at least to my way of thinking, is that my wife and I no longer have to argue everything through. We each know what the other will say, and so saying becomes an unnecessary formality. No doubt some marriage counselor would explain to us that our problem is a failure to communicate, but to my way of thinking we’ve worked long and hard to achieve this silence...so fraught with mutual understanding." – Richard Russo, "The Straight Man"

Is it always better to talk things over? That might seem like a surprising question coming from a former Communications major and a licensed social worker, but it’s a valid thought nonetheless. My wife and I might very well be case and point. As you can probably tell from the posts that describe our arguments, we excel at talking through differences. We don’t yell or throw things; we talk...and talk...and talk. There’s always one more thing to say about the thing we said earlier which was really about something else we said before that. It works for us. Most of the time.

What I have come to see lately is that sometimes conversations perpetuate disagreement rather than resolving disagreement. Just the other night Amber and I both found ourselves in a funk. We both had our reasons, and both our reasons were valid. Regardless, it was Wednesday evening and we were not so subtly sulking about the house. And we did precisely what you might guess: we talked about it. In fact for good measure, we talked around it and over it as well. In the end, we were still in bad moods; as a bonus, we’d also managed to offend each other no less than three times while attempting to talk through our feelings. You know what helped? We stopped trying to figure out our moods. We stopped trying to put our wordless frustrations into sentences. We stopped attempting to move beyond our feelings to productivity. Instead, we scooped ourselves ice cream, flipped on the TV and cuddled on the couch. About 30 minutes later, we miraculously found ourselves having a fun conversation about something other than our own internal monologues and moods.


Now I’m not suggesting that a television and a gallon of ice cream are better for marriage than good conversation. I’m just suggesting that sometimes you get to a good conversation by using your remote control and ice cream scoop. Talking is a good thing, but it’s not the only thing. Much like the couple in Richard Russo’s novel, we’ve earned some silent moments where we understand each other. I get that her day sucked, and she gets that I feel restless. We could talk it over for an hour, or we could just be together. There’s probably no “right” choice, but there is definitely a choice. Even for two former Communications majors.

- Cliff (aka The Husband)

Friday, April 29, 2011

Marriage Lessons from a Nun

It's amazing what you can learn about marriage from someone committed to lifelong celibacy:

"It is in community [think: marriage] where we find out who we really are. It is life with another that shows my impatience and life with another that demonstrates my possessiveness and life with another that gives notice to my nagging devotion to the self. Life with someone else, in other words, doesn't show me nearly as much about his or her shortcomings as it does about my own. In human relationships I learn how to soften my hard spots and how to reconcile and how to care for someone else besides myself. In human relationships I learn that theory is no substitute for love. It is easy to talk bout the love of God; it is another thing to practice it."

- from Wisdom Distilled from the Daily by Joan Chittister, OSB

(Emphasis mine.)

Too Big to Fail: Thoughts on the Marriage of William and Kate

I've managed to avoid most of the William and Kate craziness that has otherwise possessed the Internet for the last few days: I did not set my alarm for 3 a.m., and it was well after 8 this morning before I saw a picture of her (beautiful) dress.

Just the same, I do have some thoughts on the marriage of Wills and Kate. Note, I said marriage, not wedding. I've actually been thinking about them all week because of a line in a Newsweek article I read earlier this week:

"What everyone does know, but no one is saying out loud, is that this is one royal marriage that simply has to work. Jennie Bond goes so far as to suggest that the breakup of Prince William and Princess Catherine could herald the end of the monarchy itself." - Citizen Kate, by Allison Pearson

Essentially what Pearson and Bond are hinting at is that this marriage is TOO BIG TO FAIL.

There's a familiar term, right? All too frequently applied to the financial institutions that launched us into the current economic distress, it basically means if this organization collapses, it will take something much larger down with it.

Very Small Organizations

A marriage is essentially a very small organization, complicated by having two CEOs and a nebulous product/service we call "life together." When these organizations fail, the fall out can be far reaching. Not just to the couple and the couple's children, but often to those who were witness to the merger and the collapse.

I've watched a few marriages I felt were "too big to fail" fall apart. Tipper and Al Gore come to mind, as does the marriage of two close friends of ours, a couple my husband said (when we first met) illustrated his ideal of "family."

What hurt in both these cases was the assumption I had made that everything was okay. That the couple was doing well enough. That they were surviving - if not thriving.

The Downfall

You know what happens when you assume. Don't make the mistake of believing your marriage is too big to fail. It could, and no one would be there to bail you out.

So how do you prevent failure? A thousand little ways, every day. Commitment to the fundamentals of good business and the Golden Rule, renewed effort in areas you know you need help. Regular check ups to make sure you're thriving.

As in business, you can't get lazy about your marriage.

I don't particularly care whether the British monarchy continues or collapses. But I wish all the best for the marriage of William and Kate. They've got a lot of pressure on their young and attractive shoulders, and the world is watching.

People are watching your marriage too. Go thrive.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Art of a Good Apology (Or, "Saying Sorry in 4 Simple Steps")

Saying you're sorry is hard stuff. I know this because Cliff and I have been coaching our four year-old on how to do it. Sometimes I can watch him physically struggle to get the words out: pride is powerful, even when you're too little to know the word.

Apologizing is no easier in marriage. Who wants to admit to being wrong? Sometimes you're not even convinced you were wrong - and yet, you know an apology is needed. And who wants to risk saying you're sorry if you're not going to get an apology in return? (The only thing that's worse is saying "I love you," and getting "I think you're really sweet," in reply.)

Just the same, no marriage lasts for long (or at least, lasts happily) without frequent and sincere apologies.

In my opinion, four things have to happen for an apology to take. Here's my spin on how to say you're sorry:

1. Get his (or her) attention. At Sam's age, a simple, "Excuse me," will suffice most of the time. We also teach him to gently put his hand on someone's arm, and wait until they turn their attention to him.

In the heat of a marital spat, getting your spouse's attention may not be that easy. What you're trying to signal is not just that you want him or her to listen (you've wanted that all along) but that you have something new to say - something he or she wants to hear.

"I need to say something," might be strong enough to get the job done. You can also pull the car to the side of the road. Move closer to her on the couch. Bring him a drink. Whatever it takes to know your partner is listening.

2. Say what you need to say, and say it clearly. Starting with a simple and direct, "I'm sorry," is usually best. Take a deep breath, and then just say it.

Here's the important thing about this step: you absolutely must say either, "I'm sorry," "I apologize," or "I was wrong." You cannot half-ass an apology and have it count.

In other words, this is not a real apology: "Maybe I wasn't as thoughtful as I should have been when I called your mom an intrusive little gossip monger."

Also, you can't use the words "I'm sorry" to continue the argument: "I'm sorry you just can't understand how important guys night out is to me."

3. Explain why you were wrong. This might be the hardest part. Sometimes you still feel slighted. Sometimes you aren't so sure what you did was wrong. Sometimes you know your spouse needs to apologize too, and you're pretty sure you won't hear those words from her for a few more days.

Just the same, you've got to choke out something that shows you understand what you're apologizing for. Our son has to say, "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have used my Crayons on the car seat."

You have to say, "I'm sorry. I know you want me to call when I'm going to be late from work, and I didn't do it."

"Honey, I apologize. I promised to pick up the dry cleaning, and I meant to. I completely forgot, and it was irresponsible."

"I was wrong. I shouldn't have yelled at you for deleting the football game from the DVR. You didn't know I was saving it."

"I'm sorry I got so frustrated when we were talking about money. I didn't mean to imply that you aren't being careful with our cash. I was just feeling tense, and that came through in my tone of voice. I trust you."

4. Show your sincerity. This might be the most important step of all.

The best way to show your sincerity is through changed behavior. I won't believe Sam's apology for coloring on the car seat if he does it again tomorrow. You won't accept your partner's apology for yelling about money if she does it again the next time you balance the budget.

Change is tough - especially for us adults. But if you really want to master the Art of the Apology, you've got to be sincere.

There you have it: four "simple" steps to saying you're sorry. Of course, some marital spats are really more like full-on wars, and the two magic words of "I'm sorry," won't end the battles. Starting with step 4 might be the best approach here.

And, in other cases, a fully developed apology might be a bit of over-kill. In that case, a simple, "Sorry I was grumpy," might suffice.

Regardless, saying your sorry gets easier with practice and tends to elicit similar responses from your partner. And you know what they say about make-up sex.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Trading Beads for Sex


Have you heard about this beading thing?

Carolyn Evans, 40, offered her husband an unusual gift for his birthday: 40 days of sex.

I'm a little sketchy on the details, but somehow this evolved into a bead-based trade and barter system that works like this:

"The woman keeps a bowl, a.k.a. beadcatcher, by her bedside. When her husband (or lover) is in the mood, he drops a bead into the beadcatcher. The woman has to be ready to slide between the sheets within 24 hours."

Evans credits this dancing in the sheets with fixing an ailing marriage. And she's written the book to prove it: Forty Beads comes out tomorrow.

The Spousonomics authors would say this is an example of signaling, a procedure whereby one partner makes his or her priorities more apparent to the other. (For more on signaling and Spousonomics, read my review of the book here.)

But here's the truth: you're probably already having more sex than your unmarried friends. Here's a research-based breakdown of frequency of sex, by age group and marital status.

AGE UNMARRIED MARRIED
18-29 69 112
30-39 66 86
40-49 50 69
50-59 31 54
60-69 16 33
70+ 3 16

Source: National Opinion Research Center, as cited in For Better.

So here's the deal: if 40 rolls in the hay sounds like a significant improvement over your usual, or if a signal might come in handy, then visit your bead shop today. Otherwise, just keep doing what you're doing.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Change Anything

We've been moving furniture at our house, and I'm amazed at how new everything seems though all we did was shift our Craigslist and Ikea stuff by a few feet.

Moving furniture is actually good marriage advice, according to psychologist and marriage-researcher Michele Weiner-Davis, in her book "Divorce-Busting."

Change anything, Weiner-Davis says. Can't seem to end a long argument? Change the location of where you're fighting. Feeling bored? Change up how you spend your time together, trying something new.

As an illustration, she offers a story from Gregory Bateson, anthropologist and husband of Margaret Mead. Bateson was once asked to observe some otters at a zoo. Normally quite playful, the zookeepers were concerned because the otters had grown listless.

After several days of watching the otters inactivity, Bateson (out of desperation) tried dangling a paper on a long string into their area. Immediately the otters started playing.

The lesson here is obvious: they were bored. Change anything - it doesn't have to be a big fix - and life suddenly looks a little different.

Use It Now: Change something in your relationship. Sleep in something other than that old softball team t-shirt; try a new restaurant; trade household chores; paint the kitchen.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Nothing Gold Can Stay

In an odd moment of late night TV, I recently heard Stephen Colbert quote the Robert Frost poem, "Nothing Gold Can Stay":

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.


Relationships sometimes feel this way. They start in bright bursts of color - all gold and flowers, new creation, sunrises, poetry. And then leaf subsides to leaf: the color fades a little, the original flower falls and a new one, perhaps slightly less vibrant, replaces it.

It could be really depressing, if you didn't know to expect it. Relationships mature just as surely as spring follows summer. And while the gold of spring may be beautiful, summer and fall deserve appreciation too.

I'll abandon the poetic language here, and get to the science.

Here's a vocab word
: limerence. It's the springtime of a relationship. Limerence is that stage of a relationship where you cannot prevent yourself from thinking of your new partner. It's that stage where you find yourself with a T0urettes-like need to shout his name, to reference her in every conversation, to check your phone for text messages at 3 a.m., just in case. It is, literally, a hormonally-induced time of bonding that is thrilling and beautiful and exhausting.

And this is the important part: it ends. It cannot be maintained, at least not by mere mortals.

If you're lucky, limerence fades over time, decreasing minimally each day so a distinct absence isn't felt dramatically. You trade it in for comfort, for finishing each others sentences, for knowing he'll pick up a gallon of milk on the way home. You trade it for a pint of ice cream while watching Colbert quote Robert Frost. You trade it for kids and a social life that does not always have to revolve around your partner.

Here's where we run into trouble: Once you've known limerence, you know how to miss it. You can start thinking that perhaps your relationship is in trouble because you don't feel that way any more. That perhaps your lack of emotional peaks is a troubling indicator.

So hear this reassurance: there's probably no problem at all. Sure, your marriage could use a little excitement. Sure, it takes work to keep things fresh. But your relationship isn't in trouble: it's just a new, beautiful-in-a-different-way season. Limerence can't be maintained because it was never meant to last forever. Celebrate the new season.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Three Questions: entry #1

One of marriage's biggest downfalls is its mundane-ness: the same person, in the same house, every day, for as long as you both shall live.

Keeping marriage fresh takes intentional effort. It starts with the assumption that you do not know everything there is to know about your partner, and that it might be fun to find out.

Years ago Cliff and I developed the habit of asking each other questions - usually on long drives or rare date nights when we were committed to not talking about the kids. The questions range from the very serious to the very silly. Somehow we always end up on a winding conversation that leaves us laughing or holding hands.

So, starting with this post I'll share some of the questions we've asked. Take them home and try them out over dinner some night.

1. When you think back to high school, what is the soundtrack you hear in your head? What songs did you dance to? Make-out to? What played in the background at your first job?

2. (Ask this one only if you know you can tolerate hearing the answer.) If I died, do you think you'd want to remarry? Why or why not?

3. If we could take a road trip anywhere, where would you want to go? What would make the trip perfect?

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Book Review: Spousonomics - Using Economics to Master Love, Marriage, and Dirty Dishes

I recently heard a joke that went something like this:

Two women are sitting at a bar, discussing the two suited gentlemen sitting at the other end. "I love a man with a dangerous job," one woman says. "Yeah," says the other. "Like accountants."

Okay, so it's not gut-splitting funny. But given our current economic environment, accountants, financial planners, and economists all seem to be in a dangerous line of work. And, thanks to Paula Szuchman and Jenny Anderson, it seems a little sexier than before.

Szuchman and Anderson are the authors of the latest, hottest marriage book, Spousonomics: Using Economics to Master Love, Marriage, and Dirty Dishes. If economics text books had been as interesting as this one, I might have taken the class in college.

Following a fairly formulaic pattern, the authors introduce an economic principle (with their witty, slightly ironic style) and then provide a handful of marital case studies to illustrate the principle's utility in addressing marriage problems.

The tie between economics and marriage is at times a bit gimmicky. But it's a gimmick that fits the attitude of my generation, so I forgive the authors for their use of economics as a literary device. Get past this, and you'll most likely enjoy the book.

Perhaps the best part of the book are the case studies: real stories taken from interviews the authors conducted. Who doesn't like a glimpse into the real-life drama of someone else's marriage? Especially when it makes your own seem nearly perfect in comparison.

Szuchman and Anderson would have something to say about that. Think your marriage is near-perfect? You could be suffering from "confirmation bias," an economic term whereby individuals seek out information that confirms their expectations. Too much of this can lead to a bubble ... and we all know that's no good. When the marital bubble bursts, you can turn to "creative destruction," another economic term, to find new and vibrant strengths of your relationship.


Is Marriage Just Another Unit of Production?


Not surprisingly, the book focuses on the trade and production aspects of marriage rather than happiness or meaningful companionship. The case studies involve couples working out how to share household chores, how to divide parenting responsibilities, how to convince her to have more sex (or him to have the kind of sex she likes), how to agree on weekend activities.

As a result, the case studies can end a little flat: sure, there was progress made, but you sense the chapter ended before the story did. That perhaps the root of the problem hasn't been addressed. What becomes of these marriages surely goes a lot deeper than the utilization of an overly-simplified economic principle.

Just the same, the book is easy to read and contains enough nuggets of insight to justify the time you spend doing so. Here are a few of the economic terms that may just earn a place in my vocabulary.


New Vocab Words


Loss Aversion: In economics, this is the concept that losing hurts much more than wining feels good. Our aversion to loss is so intense that we often behave in destructive ways. (For example, a gambler who is down $10,000 may keep gambling, trying to win back his savings.) In marriage we refuse to say we're sorry because we don't want to be seen as giving in. We fail to compromise - and force a stalemate - because we insist in having our way. We keep arguing long after we've both stopped listening to what the other is saying.

Use It Now: In marriage as in gambling, sometimes it's better to just stop. Go to bed angry, and wake up happier and ready to talk more rationally. Reframe the choice, and see if the new perspective makes compromise seem more reasonable.

Moral Hazard: This is the idea that when we have insurance, we behave differently. We don't understand the true cost of our medical care to our insurance company, so we go along with the doctor's suggestion for endless, perhaps unnecessary tests. We don't take careful care of our rental car. We trust our spouse will always be there for us, so we get a little lazy in basic marriage maintenance.

Use It Now: Counteract moral hazard by avoiding bailouts: don't get lazy, expecting your spouse to swoop in with solutions. And don't offer endless bailouts either. Additionally, you can create a new "regulatory framework," or shared agreements about expectations. Violate an expectation and you can expect there to be consequences.

Asymmetric Information: In business or politics, inequalities develop when one party has information the other one doesn't. Think about the last time you bought a used car: did the seller tell you everything you needed to know to make an informed decision?

In marriage, asymmetric information creates frustrations: what seems obvious to one partner (I said I wanted the screen door fixed two weeks ago ... why haven't you done it?) isn't always so obvious for the other partner (You told me six things that need to be done. How am I to know your priorities?)

Use It Now: Learn to signal priorities, explain emotions, and otherwise get all the relevant information out on the table.

In short, Spousonomics is an entertaining read with nuggets of marital and economic truth. I suspect a real student of either field would feel the book falls far short of the real complexity of life or markets. But for the casual reader, the cost to benefit analysis is positive.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Making Interfaith Marriages Work

A 2008 study from the Pew Research Center revealed that 27 percent of married or cohabitating Americans are in mixed-faith relationships.

I am not an expert on this topic, but I have had the privilege of watching two close friends make marriage work while creating a Jewish-Christian household.

So, in honor of the Christian Holy Week and Jewish Seder, I'm sharing this article on "talking points" for interfaith couples who are engaged.

Are you comfortable practicing your religion on your own, or do you want your spouse to come with you?, and Are you okay with religious symbols being present in your home? are two of the questions the author encourages couples to discuss.

One step further - it's important for interfaith couples to talk about how they want to raise their children: as part of both religions? How will your in-laws, and the wider faith-community respond to this?

As I've witnessed in my friend's marriage, having one foot firmly planted in Judaism, and the other foot dipping into Christianity can work. It can actually enhance the relationship. But it takes an increased level of intentionality and a belief (dare we call it faith?) that compromise is worthwhile.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Superhero Marriage Advice


Think back to your wedding day, and you'll recall that everyone - and I do mean everyone - thinks they have some marital advice to offer.

This theory was recently confirmed by a website called Idiot's Guide Weekly, who unearthed some marriage tips from superheros. A few worth noting are below - check out the link for the rest of the "super" advice:

Martian Manhunter: Where I come from, men are from Mars and women are also from Mars. It made for good marriages as both parties were of the same species. I highly recommend you take that route when pursuing nuptials.

Wonder Woman: If you harm her, I will personally come to your house and slit your throat and blame it on Angle Man.

Batman: Women are a cowardly and superstitious lot. Be sure to carry around chocolate in your utility belt to create a distraction when they want you to take out the trash.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Three Reasons I'm Saying Sorry


It's tax season, and for the first time ever we owed money this year. We thought having a second child in 2010 would score us a rebate: no dice.

We got the bad news a few weeks ago, and have been checking the check book ever since: shifting money from savings to checking, mentally tightening our belts, and calculating the decreasing percentage of my self-employed pay check that we actually get to keep.

Not surprisingly, we've bickered a little along the way. Survey after research study after casual conversations with your friends reveals that virtually every couple fights about money. Not having enough of it means you fight about how to allocate your limited resources. Even if you have enough cash to pay the bills - and maybe even save or take a vacation - you probably still find a way to get tense when the topic comes up. We do.

As a result, tonight Cliff and I had this exchange:

Me: I'm sorry I got pissy.

Him: I'm sorry if I was pissy too.

Ah ... forgiveness.

No doubt we'll repeat this conversation next April, and probably a few times in between. So here, in advance, are the reasons I know I'll need to say I'm sorry:

1. I forget to give Cliff the benefit of the doubt.

Let's say Cliff notices a charge on the card - $150 at Target. It's reasonable for him to ask, "What did you buy at Target?"

Usually I struggle to remember, then offer a generic response: groceries, diapers, maybe a some spring clothes for the kids? But inside, I feel defensive, and I want to say: "You know it takes a lot of money to feed this family, but I don't see you complaining about the ice cream in the freezer."

Perhaps on another night I ask a question about how our budgeting software works. And something (probably imagined) in his tone of voice sets me off: I'm convinced there's condescension as he answers.

What I forget in exchanges like these is that Cliff is a reasonable person. Nine times out of ten he has reasonable reasons for asking questions. Nine times out of ten he answers questions patiently and graciously. I unfairly read into his words and immediately turn defensive. I don't give him the benefit of the doubt, and he deserves it.

So I'm saying sorry.

2. I forget that we're in this together.

My blood pressure rose as I wrote hefty checks to the federal and state government. In that context, any conversation with Cliff has a higher odds of getting pissy.

Money fights, especially when the budget is tight, are tough because the problem can't be solved by make up sex. (Though it's not a bad idea to try.) Getting over the argument doesn't mean the circumstances have changed.

What I need to remember is that we're in this together: it's his bank account, too, that is shrinking by the minute. We might as well hold hands as we sign the check.

Again, I'm sorry.

3. I forget to have perspective.

This season's financial stress will pass - our marriage is here to stay. The higher than normal credit card bill will get paid off, the unexpected medical expenses will be paid for eventually, and hopefully the car won't need repairs next month.

Keeping money woes in perspective is important: even when they last for years, they're still less important than the person you're sitting next too.

Sorry, Cliff, for forgetting that sometimes.

When we were Peace Corps volunteers in Tonga, we used to play a card game with friends, betting our Pa'anga (the Tongan money). It was a low stakes game - the equivalent of exchanging nickles and dimes - but it still hurt a little when you lost a stack of coins. Then someone would laugh, point to the odd looking money, and say, "You can't spend this sh*t any where else."

Perhaps gambling isn't exactly setting a great example ... but the theory holds value: put a little less emotion into your relationship with money, and a little more emotion into your marriage. And be quick to say you're sorry.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Monogamy and Happiness

NYT contributor Ross Douthat recently published an interesting article on the value of monogamy, as separate from morality.

Citing research, he says, "Female emotional well-being seems to be tightly bound to sexual stability — which may help explain why overall female happiness has actually drifted downward since the sexual revolution."

The study showed the happiest women had one or only a few sexual partners over the course of their lives.

Monogamy, Douthat concludes, still feels good.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Words Create Worlds

The words you use create the world around you: use words of togetherness in your marriage, and you'll likely be "together."

Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz offer the words and phrases they hear most often from the healthy and successful married couples they interview. The full article can be found here.

1. Words that indicate togetherness.

2. Phrases that show truthfulness and trust.

3. Language that reflects mutual respect.

4. Conversation that hints at fitness and concern for health.

5. References to joint finances and shared goals.

6. Words that express non-verbal intimacy.

7. Indications of surprise and variety in the relationship.

Do you and your spouse share these words and phrases in your communication about your relationship? If this sort of content seems like a foreign language, it might be time to become more conscious about how positively you speak about your relationship with each other and to others. Can't control what you say? Get professional help to learn new communication skills. The good news is these skills can be learned.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Before You Marry


Last Saturday Cliff and I attended a wedding we won't soon forget. It started 90 minutes late, and included a prayer that the wife would be submissive (with an aside that the bride might have a little bit of a problem with this).

The informality is perhaps best illustrated by a quote from the cousin who walked the bride down the aisle: "I'm not losing a sister, I'm gaining a brother. But Wayne, if you don't treat her right I will find you and kick your ass."

The bride and groom wrote their own vows. I can't recall them in detail, but I do know the bride got a laugh when she thanked her husband-to-be for putting up with her crazy family.

Marriage requires a good deal of "putting up with," and so perhaps Wayne and Sylvia are well prepared for the future. But how do you really prepare for marriage? I recently came across an article on seven topics you MUST talk about before you walk down the aisle (or move to the front of the bar, as was the case on Saturday). Written by husband and wife psychologists Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz, it pretty much sums up the biggies. And, perhaps, it's not such a bad review for us old married folks too.

The seven topics are below - check out the link for sub-questions and additional commentary from the authors.

1. Why you love each other.

2. What you believe to be the "core values" of your loving relationship

3. Whether or not children are important to your marital relationship.

4. How you see your relationship evolving - what do you want it to be 5, 10, and 20+ years from now?

5. How you will share decision-making in your marriage.

6. What you want most from your marriage.

7. You need to have a heartfelt conversation about the question - "Can you imagine life without each other?"

Use It Now:

Even if you tied the knot years ago, you may find the questions in this article to be helpful.

When I first read the article, one question caught my attention: If there was a fire, what would things would you save? Cliff and I had recently discussed this question: his answers revealed a lot about his personality and priorities, and a few surprised me as well. Questions like this are a good reminder to never stop learning about your spouse.


Is Premarital Counseling Worth It?

Just came across these stats in an article on the value of premarital counseling:
  • Thirty-seven percent of married adults have participated in formal marriage preparation before their wedding, and, according to the National Directory of Marriage & Family Counseling,
  • Premarital counseling reduces the risk of divorce by up to 30 percent.
  • 41 percent of divorced folks have said that a lack of premarital preparation actually contributed to their divorce (according to a survey conducted by the National Fatherhood Initiative)
For my husband and I, premarital counseling was an important part of our preparations for life together. A professional therapist was quickly able to identify the communication patterns that, unchecked, might have had disastrous long term consequences. By seeing them early in our relationship, we were able to fight them - and instead creating good patterns of communication that have served us well for the last 10 years.

My verdict: premarital counseling is well worth the expense.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

New Research on Dinner, Divorce, and Living Together

Three new research studies are making us question what we thought was statistical fact. Here's a quick overview from the Population Association of America's annual meeting.

- Does dining together make for healthier, smarter kids? Popular wisdom and some research said yes, until recently. But new longitudinal research says having dinner together may not make a statistical difference. The research is preliminary, but for harried parents trying to feed and bathe kids at the end of the day, it may be a welcome relief to know a few meals eaten apart won't harm your child's chance of getting into Harvard.

Are you one of these frenzied parents? Here's an article you can relate to.

Use It Now:
Give yourself a break. Concentrate on being attentive to your kids, whether that's over a meal, while you help with homework, or in the midst of a rousing Wii game. And let the new found freedom not to dine with your kids give you the time you need to have a Tuesday night dinner with your spouse.

- If your parents divorced, you're more likely to as well, right? Divorce research has often shown it tends to be inter-generational. But new research says the most important factor might be the type of marriage your parents had. Did they yell, loudly? You may be more likely to divorce, probably as a result of learned communication patterns. Those of us whose now-divorced parents fought more amicably may not have a significantly increased risk of divorce.

- Living together before marriage puts you at a higher risk for divorce, right? Maybe not, now that cohabitation is more common.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Royal Marriage Advice: Celeb Advice

It seems everyone is lining up to offer marriage advice to Prince William and Kate Middleton. Just for fun, here's some of the wisdom offered by celebs of varying degree. With one possible exception, it turns out to be rather dull: the same sort of common sense stuff you'd expect your aunt to offer. Then again, it's not such bad advice.

Duchess Fergie:
"Remember that you're marrying a beautiful man you are in love with and remember to make time for him, because I didn't. Andrew and I spent 40 days together for the first five years of our marriage. I didn't know that would be the case, but figured it out two weeks after I was married."

Jane Lynch, of Glee: "Your main love relationship needs to be your safe harbor. And they're going to be doing a lot of things outside, and they have a lot of duties other than the duties to their marriage."

Michelle Obama: enjoy, love each other, have fun and go on a great honeymoon.

Russell Brand: "I've got some marital advice. Spice up things in the bedroom by pretending to be French."

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Book Review: Marriage, A History: How Love Conquered Marriage

Let me cut to the chase: you don't want to read this book.

This doesn't mean that "Marriage, A History: How Love Conquered Marriage" by Stephanie Coontz isn't terrific: I'd give it 4 out of 5 stars. It's just long, and academic, and more of a lit review than a compelling story.

So, here is what you need to know from this 432 page fascinating b00k (which includes over 100 pages of bibliography and index) that you'll probably never take the time to read:

- Household economy: From the pre-historic era until sometime in the 1700s, marriage was an economic proposition. Attraction was based less on romance and more on resources. Love developed after marriage, if the couple was lucky.

For the wealthy, marriage was a way to develop allies that expanded your families influence and wealth. Cleopatra and the Kings of England are the classic examples of this: it was practically standard operating procedure to kill or otherwise dispose of your spouse in order to marry a better connected lover. Are your children from a previous spouse preventing the development of a more influential family line? Off with their heads!

For the poor, marriage was about survival: it took more than one adult to farm, weave, cook, clean, serve in the king's army, carry water, etc. Marriage gave you a workmate, and you looked for the most equipped partner: the strongest husband, the hardest working wife, the maid whose father had fertile farm land, the bachelor with an established apprenticeship in a trade.

For reasons we're all familiar with, women often drew the short end of the stick in these relationships. Wealthy families usually passed wealth from father to son - a daughter's best service was to marry well, to connect her brother to another wealthy family. Unhappy and dangerous marriages were an unfortunate result, and were meant to be lived with rather than remedied. A poor woman who left her husband had no economic recourse, so staying was often the only option.

- Transferring affection from house to home: As wage labor became more popular, younger people were no longer as dependent on their parents at the establishment of their working lives. This, along with philosophical changes, gave young people more freedom in choosing their own partner. And, as life expectancy was rising, it became more reasonable to marry someone you wanted to spend a life with.

In the pre-industrial world, people felt warmth and affection toward their house: the lineage from which they came, the long line of ancestors, noble or not. Marriage choices were made to advance the house. As societies developed, generations became more independent of their ancestors: the focus of affection moved to the home a couple created.

As couples took time to develop affection before marriage, frequency of premarital sex increased. To counter this, the Victorians established a "cultof female purity" that made sex distasteful for women and guilt-ridden, at least when with a respectable woman, for men.

This focus on the couple also decreased rates of domestic violence as women had more choice in who they married. But marriage was not always a safe place for women.

- Natural Reactions: Marrying for love had some natural consequences. In addition to increased sexual activity prior to marriage, it also led to increased rates of divorce: if you married someone because you loved them, why stay married when you are unhappy?

In the 1920s, many also began to question the sexual double standard for men and women. The "cult of female purity" (that women should not enjoy sex) began to subside as, well, everyone got a little better at admitting that sex just feels good. A more casual approach to sex became acceptable (in some circles) for "good girls."

Marriage as an institution changed rapidly in the 20th Century, thanks to the Great Depression, World War II, the boomer generation, and the sexual revolution. Marriage was most idolized in the 1950s and early 60s - and it was in this era that our "ideal" of the husband as the economic engine and the wife as the heart of a family emerged. Yet even as this was emerging as the ideal, women began to fight against the trappings: those who had worked to support the war effort now missed the engagement of a job outside the home. And conveniences of modern life - washing machines and pre-cooked meals - made caring for the home easier than ever. More and more women were being educated as well.

Ironically, the young parents of the 1950s, and their children, who so idealized this nuclear family model, ended up having the highest divorce rates of the century.

- Toward a more egalitarian future: Coontz, a sociologist, proposes that the future of marriage is freer of the labels and restrictions of the past. Marriage may become uncommon in some cultures (and sub-cultures). Many states are moving to recognize civil unions or marriage for same-sex partners. And male-female marriages that do occur often represent relationships that look very different from the past: dual-breadwinners, stay-at-home-dads, child-free unions.

Perhaps the greatest value of this book is a reminder that marriage cannot be defined. Or, at least, its definition is not static: it changes with each generation. The ideas of those who hold too closely to any rigid definition of marriage are unlikely to survive the test of time.

"Marriage, A History" is fascinating. But thousands of years of written history - and some basic assumptions about our pre-history - is tough to summarize, especially around a topic as complex as marriage. I would have liked more stories, and a stronger look at non-Western cultures. Just the same, a sociology and marriage nerd like me, it was a page-turner: the only problem was the number of pages that needed turning.