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Top 3 Predictors of a Happy Marriage Among Parents

Photo used with permission from ElvertBarnes.

One more quick thing to note from Tara Parker Pope's coverage of the National Marriage Project's recent generosity survey of nearly 3000 men and women:

The top three predictors of a happy marriage among men and women are ... wait - take a second, close your eyes, and guess. What do you think they'll be?

No, seriously, guess ...

Okay, got your guesses? Here's the official findings. If you're a parent and you want a happy marriage, then focus on these three things:

1. Sexual intimacy
2. Commitment
3. Generosity

If you're not sexually satisfied, then you're likely to have a 6-7% overall happiness rate with your marriage. Ouch. But commitment and generosity are right behind: if you're not sure of your relationship (commitment), I'd be unhappy too.

The generosity thing is surprising at first, but not if you remember that the division of household labor is vital to a woman's happiness in marriage. In her book For Better, Tara Parker-Pope says research shows that 10 percent of men feel the division of labor in their home is unfair. By comparison, a whopping 50 percent of women complain of carrying an unfair housework burden.

We've covered this before, but it's worth repeating: when both spouses are satisfied with the division of labor (in other words, when you're generous with giving your time to the household), the couple has sex one more time a month. Which means taking care of #3 can improve #1.

Get busy, folks!

Not the Results I Expected

Photo used with permission from Tim Green. 

I'm an A student. Always have been. So I was disappointed with the results of a New York Times quiz I took this afternoon: how'd I do? Just average.

Average is a curse word.

Even worse, the quiz was, I thought, in my wheelhouse. Featured on Tara Parker Pope's column (she's a favorite of mine), the quiz asked, Do You Have a Generous Relationship?

Yes! I thought. And I felt pretty good as I answered the five questions: yes I appreciate Cliff. Yes I tell him so. Sure I do little things for him, sometimes.

Ahh ... I was honest there with the "sometimes." Honestly, I don't do that kind of "little thing" nearly enough. And apparently that's why I'm only average at being a generous spouse.

Why is this important? Here's what Tara Parker Pope's article, The Generous Marriage, reports, citing a study from the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia:

Men and women with the highest scores on the generosity scale were far more likely to report that they were “very happy” in their marriages. The benefits of generosity were particularly pronounced among couples with children. Among the parents who posted above-average scores for marital generosity, about 50 percent reported being “very happy” together. Among those with lower generosity scores, only about 14 percent claimed to be “very happy,” according to the latest “State of Our Unions” report from the National Marriage Project.

I feel pretty happy in my marriage, so I won't let my average performance on the quiz worry me. Just the same, it can't hurt to redouble my efforts at generosity.

Take the quiz and let me know what you think.

Three Positive Parenting Tricks That Will Work On Your Wife Too

Photo used with permission from Ben Fredericson.

Cliff's been out of town this week. And like all weeks where I'm on my own as a parent for several days in a row, by the end of it I have to work especially hard to hold my parental, err, stuff, together.

Thankfully I've got a bag of parenting tricks that I often remember to use. Last night, as Maggie was screaming from the bathtub and Sam was pretending exhaustion so that I'd let him watch television, I employed a few of them ... and realized these tricks would totally work on me too.

So here you have it: Three Parenting Tricks that Will Work On Your Wife. 

1. Praise Every Little Thing. You know how this goes with children. You say things like:

• Maggie, thank you for sitting still in your chair instead of climbing out and falling on your head, like you did yesterday.
• Sam, what a great job getting yourself dressed. I love the green shirt with the Super Man pajama pants. You have a fabulous sense of style. 
• Kids, terrific job picking up one toy each. You're great at that. Now let's tackle the toy box explosion that is the living room floor.

As parents, we do this to encourage good behavior and to teach our kids that we think they're terrific. There's all sorts of research about how praise of this sort doesn't work after age 8 because kids are smart enough to recognize the slight tones of insincerity in your voice. But I'm here to tell you, it's nice to have the little things recognized. Be sincere, let her know she's great, and do it for your wife today.

Sure, it's her job to take out the trash, or do the laundry, or balance the checkbook, or however your family divides up chores. But after a few decades of doing these tasks, they can come to seem pretty thankless. Say thanks today, and it might encourage more good behavior and (more importantly) remind your spouse that you notice and appreciate all her hard work.

2. Show Sympathy First. When my daughter climbs out of her chair and falls on her head, I rush to her, make sure she's physically okay and give her the cuddling she needs before I remind her that it's her own darn fault and that I've warned her about this a dozen times. Wives (and husbands) need sympathy first too. Sure, we're likely to complain about the same things all the time - rough days at work, rough days with the kids, rough conversations with family members. Instead of jumping right to the solution, or letting us know it's our own darn fault, start by showing a little sympathy.

3. Ignore the occasional infraction. Consistency is the bedrock of good parenting. I believe that totally. At the same time, sometimes you have to ignore the little things: sure Maggie threw her spoon on the ground again, but I'm going to overlook this little error so we can concentrate on something more important (like not standing up in her chair, for example ... can you tell I've seen a lot of that this week?). Likewise, sometimes I overlook a bit of bad behavior from Sam because I know he does know better, and it's not consistent with his normally obedient and cheerful personality.

I want Cliff to overlook a few things with me, too. When I rant for three minutes in an angry tone that's inconsistent with my normal outlook, write it off as an anomaly. When I forget to do something I said I'd do, forgive me quickly because you know it was an accident. Ignore the occasional minor infraction.

Cliff's pretty good at all this stuff. And frankly, these sorts of "tricks" work on him (and probably all husbands) just as well as they work on wives. We all want to know our spouse appreciates us, cares about our concerns, and forgives our little mistakes. You need the same tool set for good parenting and good partnering.

Why Reading Fiction is Good for Your Marriage

My daughter with the books she felt she must read before nap. 

Guess she's on her way to high emotional intelligence. 

I love novels but I try not to read more than a few a year. Why? Because when I let myself get lost in a book, I get really lost: I've found myself praying for fictional characters before. And while that kind of distraction is a blast, it's murder for your To Do list, and not so great for the husband and kids that want your attention too.

Luckily, I'm married to a man who likes a good novel too - and so on our five day 10th anniversary trip, we each read the entire Hunger Games series. Delightful. Turns out, reading fiction was a darn good way to make us better partners.

Last week Harvard Business Review's Anne Kreamer published a post titled, "The Business Case for Reading Fiction." (Thank you, Ms. Kreamer, for giving me an excuse to read instead of tackle my email inbox.) Kreamer makes the case - through research - that reading gives us a level of emotional intelligence that makes us better colleagues. And, by extension, better partners or parents.

The research Kreamer highlights shows that reading fiction makes you better at perceiving emotion in the eyes and interpreting social cues. (This, perhaps, explains why all the science fiction nerds you knew in high school are now happily married to hotter-than-expected spouses.) Fiction also develops your empathy skills, which means you respond with, "I'm so sorry to hear that," when your wife tells you about her awful day at work, rather than, "Not again. I will not hear this story again."

I'm also convinced that reading can feed our need for adventure, as we live vicariously through the characters. When you're in year 10 of what you hope will be a life-long marriage, a little safe adventure is a good thing.

In our relationship, reading the same books, sometimes even aloud, has been a great way to spur conversations about ethical choices, our future dreams, and social issues. It's also made long car trips fun adventures instead of a drag. (Now that our kids are old enough to listen in, we've moved to the books of Roald Dahl, which are kid-safe but delightfully entertaining for adults.)

I didn't need another excuse to love good fiction, but I'll take it. Thanks, Ms. Kreamer. And friends, tell me what books you've been engrossed by lately: I think it's time for date night at the library.

When was the Last Time You Made an UglyDoll?

Photo used with permission, by hahatango.

I'm a sucker for a good love story. Let me share one I learned of this past holiday season.

Our son Sam, now 5, added "UglyDoll" to his very short Christmas wish list. Since my knowledge of what's hot in childhood toys is stuck somewhere around Cabbage Patch Dolls and Monchichis, I had to do a little research. Turns out UglyDolls are creatures like you see in the photo on the left - nonsensical creations with misplaced eyes, horns, extra appendages, etc. They are, as the website reminds me, Hip and Hug-gable.

In doing my UglyDoll research, I came across the story of the dolls' creators, David Horvath and Sun-Min Kim. Here's how Wikipedia tells their story:

It started with a letter David Horvath wrote to Sun-Min Kim just after she had to move away due to a student visa expiring, long before they were married. That letter had a cartoon of his character Wage at the bottom saying: "Working hard to make our dreams come true so we can be together again soon" next to it. That dream was to tell stories through books and toys. As a surprise gift Sun-Min sewed a doll of Wage, and sent it to David in the mail. David showed Wage to his pal Eric Nakamura, owner of the Giant Robot magazine and store, who thought David was pitching him a product and immediately ordered a few more for his shop. David wrote to Sun Min asking her to sew more, while sending emails with stories about Wage, Babo and Ice-Bat's first ever adventure ...

Terribly romantic, don't you think? These are the sort of things we do when we're madly in love: send letters filled with cartoons, sew handmade creations, work to make your dreams come true. Grand gestures of love.

So here's your question of the day, When was the last time you made an UglyDoll?

Now I can't sew to save my life, and drawing isn't my thing either. But I'm capable of my own sort of grand gestures of love. I made a few, about 10 years ago. And just because we aren't separated by miles, or in the early years of our romance, doesn't mean Cliff doesn't still deserve an occasional UglyDoll. Find a grand gesture and surprise your partner this week.

The marriage particle accelerator

You probably think that a particle accelerator is a device that uses electromagnetic fields to propel charged particles towards each other at high speeds. But marriage particle accelerators look a little different. You don't need a synchrotron or beam aperture to propel two spouses towards each other at high speeds...you just need a small space and lots of uninterrupted time together.


Like many couples, Amber and I were informed during our pre-marital counseling that marriage is not a band-aid but a magnifying glass. This statement's obviously pretty cliche, but sometimes a statement gains cliche status because it's somewhat accurate. Were a friend to imply that his present relationship troubles will be alleviated after he finally gets married, I would probably chuckle nervously and repeat the old adage myself. Married people know that's not how it works. Conflict and troubles are more likely after marriage, not less likely. And conflict and troubles are more likely when two friends become roommates too. According to the old cliche, previous patterns/issues (both good and bad) get magnified; that said, I would actually argue that a particle accelerator is a better analogy.


Amber and I often called Peace Corps our own personal marriage particle accelerator. After all, we were pretty much together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for nearly 2 years. We slept in the same bed, worked in the same building and ate at the same table. That's a lot more chances for us to irritate each other or make thoughtless remarks. It's not that our conflicts were magnified...it's just that they were much more likely to happen. When you start propelling particles around in a small space, you're likely to get some collisions. That's what our Peace Corps experience was like, but we learned some good tricks along the way. Here are a couple:


1) Give each other breathing room - When Amber and I were reading different books in Peace Corps, I had a really bad habit of asking about the book, waiting a few seconds, sharing something from my book, waiting a few seconds and then starting the cycle again. Eventually, I learned to let her read in peace. We were together constantly...my little question or update could wait. Even in a small room, it's possible to provide breathing room.


2) Look on the bright side - When two partners spend whole days apart, they need to update each other during the evenings. But spending every moment together transitioned us from updating to...well...complaining. There were annoying co-workers and frustrating circumstances and language difficulties and a host of other problems, after all. For a while there, our togetherness seemed to engender bitch sessions more than encouragement. We learned to limit our rants to around 3 minutes (an old interpersonal communication tip that Amber brought to our relationship) and sometimes avoid certain topics altogether. 


There were other tips too, but I think you get the idea. These practices came in handy just recently. The holiday season is a mini-accelerator every single year. We're in cars and we're in cramped quarters and we're not getting alone time. If we weren't colliding with each other before, we likely will be during that two week stretch. So I let my wife read in peace while our daughter napped and she did not complain every time she could have. Marriage might turn into a particle accelerator sometimes, but there are ways to avoid being caught in super-collisions.


- Cliff (aka The Husband)

The evilOlive Theory of Relationships

If you ask me, Chicago's nightclub evilOlive receives my award for Best. Name. Ever. I'm a sucker for a palindrome.

I can't vouch for the actual quality of the club: never been inside. The Yelp comments - "Ambiance: hipster," "Porn and Chickens Monday," "crowded with some shady dudes" - have dissuaded me.

Just the same, the club came to mind last night as I watched the pilot episode of How I Met Your Mother. I'd never actually seen an episode of the show before, and after a handful of friends mentioned its funniness, I decided to check it out. And that's when The Olive Theory entered my life.

The Olive Theory is based on Marshall and Lily, a couple on the show. She loves olives, he hates them, and in an odd way that's what makes them a perfect couple. Or so another character explains.

Essentially, this is the theory that opposites attract. And for a few of my friends, this is true. For some others, this isn't true. As I think I've said before on this blog, my sister in law likes to say that "Opposites attract, but likes stick."

As the episode of How I Met Your Mother progresses, we learn that Marshall actually does like olives: he offered Lily his olives on their first date to make a good impression, and he's been pretending ever since. Lily eventually realizes this, and decides to make their impending marriage work anyway.

So, six years after the episode first aired, I've decided to rename the theory. It shall now be known, in my own (very) little sphere of influence, as The evilOlive Theory. Evil because "opposites attract" is a poor theory upon which to base a relationship. It can be true sometimes, but when you depend on it, forwards and backwards, it spells trouble.

Of course, "likes stick" is a poor theory to base your relationship on too. What does work is deciding to make it work. [Warning: the next sentence is really cheesy.] I'm going to call this The Pickle Theory, as in, "sometimes you can be a real pickle, but I love you anyway."

***
Hey - have you voted for our new name yet? Read the blog entry that explains what we're looking for, and then vote on the right.

Would You Please Make a Decision For Us?

Have you ever avoided doing something you need (and want) to do, simply because you can't make a fairly basic decision? In the business world, they call this Analysis Paralysis. In my personal life, I call this The Last Four Months.

We've intended to give the blog a new name and its own URL for several months now. We want a name that's catchy and explanatory. That shows we take marriage seriously, but has a sense of humor. That's short enough to be remembered and long enough to say something.

Unfortunately, we're a little late to the game, and a lot of good names are already taken. The following four names have made it to the Finals ... but we can't seem to pull the trigger on any one. We offer the names and our thinking on them below. You can vote for your favorite on the right. Please share your comments as well as your vote - we'll make a decision next week based on the feedback you give.

1. Weddedness.com: You know what the blog is about when you hear that title. And I like the fact that it's not really a word, but you still know exactly what it means.

2. MarriedAnd.com: For this one, you have to imagine the graphic at the top of the page - "Married And" is in bold text, with a blank line that is filled in with rotating text: Married and loving it. Married and making it work. Etc.

3. GoToBedAngry.com: We like to think of this blog as a place where you might hear some straight talk and unconventional ideas about how to stay married (mostly happily). Go To Bed Angry captures that idea - it's antithetical to the standard marriage advice you've received, but sometimes it's not such a bad idea. You'll wake up happier ... which is hopefully how you'll also feel when reading this blog.

4. ForBetterOrSmirk.com: We like this play on the marriage vows. We're totally committed to our relationship, but try not to take ourselves (or this blog) overly seriously. This title would communicate that.

Again ... you have one week to vote and share your thoughts. It's much appreciated.

** UPDATED **
In comments on Facebook and the blog, a few people have asked the same questions. Here are the answers:

Why not keep The Marriage Project as the name? 
Good question. I (Amber) picked the name late one night without actually consulting my husband. That's usually a bad idea, but thankfully he didn't mind the name too much. But as we actually started doing our research, we discovered that a lot of other people use The Marriage Project, or variants of that name. Most notably, University of Virginia runs The National Marriage Project, which is a giant research initiative (that is really cool, by the way). We concluded that we wouldn't be able to distinguish ourselves with a name that was so frequently used by others.

Additionally, it's not actually a project: we don't have a scope or time frame.

Also, we can't get a unique URL with marriage project (at least as a .com, which I prefer). And I can never remember the current address so I need a simple and unique URL.

But aren't you going to lose readers by switching names? Will Google know where to find you? 
I love this question because it implies that people are finding us through Google. In truth, right now, most of our readers are friends who hear about a post from Facebook. We'd like to expand our readership and the unique URL will be part of that. (As will the Facebook page and Twitter account we'll eventually establish.)

Are you doing this for money?
Ha! Nope, not at all. It's a fun hobby that has meaning for me, and hopefully for a few others.


Have other questions? 
Your questions and comments are helping us think through the decision - keep them coming.

The Rule of Anecdotal Value (A Resource for Marriage Decision Making)

Yep. There's a story in the making. 

Cliff and I have been into The Moth lately. For those of you that aren't hip and trendy like us, The Moth is a national group that features story tellers telling stories. Because what else would they do? The stories are all true, and are told at regular "story slams" that are held across the country. Not to brag, but my husband placed in the top 3 at a recent Chicago slam.

But I digress.

On one of our long holiday drives, we listened to the podcast of the first Chicago Moth Grand Slam, which was hosted by NPR personality Peter Sagal (of "Wait, Wait! Don't Tell Me!" fame). Peter told a story to get the slam started - in part because it warms up the audience for the competitors, and in part because he just likes the sound of his own voice.

But I digress.

I don't recall the story itself, but I do recall Sagal started by mentioning a rule he tries to live by. It was coined by a friend of his, and has (within their circle of friends) come to be called "The Rule of Anecdotal Value." Essentially, the rule says that when faced with two equally meritorious choices, always pick the one that will lead to a better story in the future.

I've given The Rule of Anecdotal Value (or TRAV) a test drive since then, and I have to say TRAV is a decent decision making tool for me. Maggie, on the morning of her second birthday, adamantly insisted on wearing her soccer uniform shirt rather than the party dress I'd picked out. After consulting TRAV I determined that 20 years from now, I'll be more amused by a picture of my stubborn little girl in her soccer uniform than in a now-out-of-style party dress. 'Lil Kickers jersey it is.

Eight years ago, Cliff and I faced a more life-altering decision: stay in Chicago and work, or join the Peace Corps. Even though we didn't know TRAV then, we made the right decision to follow the better story - and  it was one of our Peace Corps stories that Cliff told at The Moth slam last month.

Sometimes TRAV can lead you astray. But life is full of big and small moments where you can (with appropriate levels of risk) choose the more anecdotal option. If you and your spouse haven't done something for anecdotal value lately, make it a goal this year. It doesn't have to be dramatic: visit the Museum of Questionable Medical Devices on your next vacation (this is a real place), create your own Donut Crawl (like a beer crawl, but with icing), or try a home improvement project without a professional. Do something that's a story worth repeating.

If You Want Your Resolution to Stick, Resolve Together

In January 2011, my New Year's resolution was to start a blog - this one. My goal was to end the year with a minimum of one post per week. At the close of December, Cliff and I had 133 posts on this blog (and that was with taking much of the month off), so I guess this was one of those rare resolutions that actually stuck.

About half of all Americans make New Year's resolutions in any given year, and only 10% of them last. (I actually think that might be high. As a little experiment, think of all the resolutions you've made and kept. I can officially think of two.)

The most common resolutions are to lose weight, exercise more, stop smoking, spend more time with the family, and get out of debt. You know what these things have in common? If you're married, your success will almost certainly be dependent on the support you get from your spouse. 

It would be tough for me to lose weight if Cliff taunted me with a bowl of ice cream every night at 10 p.m. You can't balance the budget without agreeing, together, on how to spend the income you have. 

If you want this year's resolution to make it into the national 10% of successful ones, then consider resolving together with your partner. This doesn't mean you have to have the same resolution - it just means you have to agree to support each other. Here's how:

Make your resolution public - at least to your spouse. We've all had the stealth-resolution before: "I'll try this for a few days to see if it sticks, before I tell anyone." Skip that this year and confess to your partner today.

Tell your spouse how to support you. If you know what you need, don't expect your spouse to figure it out on his or her own. Say something like this, "Honey, I'm trying to lose 10 pounds by summer. Will you help me think of some quick suppers we can fix so we don't just pick up a pizza when we get busy?" 

Establish the level of accountability you want. Some people want their partners watching out for resolution-infractions; others don't want to turn their wife into Big Brother. Figure out how much accountability you want, and make it clear: "If I'm going to save more, I have to cut my discretionary spending. I'll review my spending every two weeks: when you see me doing the budget, will you ask how I feel about the progress I'm making?" 

Consider the sacrifices you make for your spouse as a sign of your love. Frustrated that you're stuck with the kids on Saturday morning while your husband trains for a marathon? Instead of grousing about the inconvenience, accept the sacrifice as an important way to support your spouse and show your love. (The converse, of course, is to recognize the sacrifices your spouse is making and thank him or her profusely.)

Plan 30- and 60-day check-ins. Set aside time on your calendar to go over your resolutions and goals with your partner. Make a date of it - even if it's just an "after the kids go to bed, on the living room couch" sort of date - and hold yourselves accountable to showing up. 

Pick a safe word. Remember, when you were a kid, you could always scream "Uncle!" to tell your friends you were willing to surrender the wrestling match? Resolutions need to come with a safe word too. This is a way to tell your partner that you're giving up: sure, I meant to write a novel in 2012, but it looks like it will have to be 2013 instead. Uncle! Once you've given this word, you're off the hook.

What are your resolutions for 2012, and how is your partner supporting you? I'm certain I survived my 2011 Blog Resolution because Cliff was a willing partner and supporter. I hope your spouse does the same for you. 

-----

Bonus materials:

We've blogged before about the importance of having your partner's back ... which seems relevant to this post on supporting each other through New Year's Resolutions. Check out these links:

Protecting Your Marriage's Blind Side - featuring Jay Cutler, before the season crashed and burned. 

What it Feels Like When Someone Has Your Back - featuring a funny story about becoming a dentist

Get Out of the Gift-Giving Rut: How to Surprise Your Spouse this Christmas

Photo by mysza83 from Flickr. Used w/permission.

First, let me clear something up: No, there are no kinky suggestions in this post. Sorry to disappoint. Second, be warned: this gets pretty nerdy.

Now, let's get started:

I'm lucky enough to be married to a man who gives terrific gifts. And he has it easy, as we have a mutual agreement not to give each other Christmas or Valentine's gifts, so he really only has to bring the magic to my birthday. (Which he manages to do, year after year.)

Even so, I know I sometimes struggle to figure out what to give Cliff for his birthday (which happens to be today). We're at a point in life where we have what we need, and a lot of what we want. And the stuff we want but don't have ... well, there's often a good reason for that (like it's too expensive or too impractical). Coming up with a "Wow!" gift is a challenge.

I hear other people saying the same things about buying for their spouses. Faced with the daunting task of finding the perfect gift, it's easy to revert to the routine: bottle of perfume, Craftsman tools. My mom put Old Spice in my dad's stocking for a decade, before learning he didn't actually like the smell.

One night last week when I couldn't sleep, I got to thinking about this problem: how do you come up with creative gifts, year after year? Then I realized that some of my favorite gifts from Cliff weren't especially creative: some were practical, even predictable. But I still liked them - and he kept me guessing by having a "Wow!" gift occasionally. Essentially, Cliff has created an unconscious rotational system of gifts. Take a look at this 2x2 and then let me explain what I mean:

If you're not familiar with 2x2's, they're basically an XY matrix (I warned you this would get nerdy), where each quadrant represents a different combination of characteristics. In this case there are two continuums: Fun to Practical and Creative to Predictable. The lower left quadrant shows gifts that are both Predictable and Fun. The upper right is Creative and Practical. You get the point.

The gifts you see on the 2x2 are some of the favorites we've given each other over the years. All good gifts, all perfectly appropriate. My favorite on here is the antique typewriter in the Fun and Creative quadrant: it's the best gift I've ever received. I love it most of all because Cliff knew me enough to give me a gift that fed the writer in me, and found a way to do so creatively. (It's also one of the least expensive items on the matrix: when you're in the Creative & Fun quadrant, the cash value of the gift doesn't matter.)

You can't hit it out of the ballpark like that every year. There's nothing wrong with grabbing something off your spouse's Amazon Wish List: it's sure to make him or her happy, right?

So here's my proposal: put yourself on a rotation through the quadrants. Try to have a "Wow!" gift - Creative and Fun - every few years. Pick up Practical and Predictable items in the years in between. This year's birthday gift for Cliff, which he'll get tonight, is in the Creative and Practical quadrant.

Of course, this doesn't answer the primary question of exactly what to get your spouse. I can't help you there. But I hope it does take some of the pressure off to deliver a "Wow!" gift every year. It's okay to be predictable and pratical: just not always.

Rare...but familiar

Photo by VirtualEm

My wife is a rarity.

She grew up in farm country, a place where "meat and potatoes" accurately describes families' nightly eating habits. And yet, my wife finds meat generally unappetizing (potatoes she can deal with). When we became vegetarians early in our marriage, I was motivated by the unethical treatment of animals on American factory farms, but she was probably equally motivated by her taste buds.

We later abandoned our vegetarianism during our years serving as Peace Corps volunteers in the South Pacific, and I started noticing a trend. My wife could tolerate eating meat...when it didn't seem particularly meat-like. Chunks of chicken breast in pasta? Fine. Fried chicken on a bone? Pass. Bacon in an omelette? Cool. Roasted pig on a spit? Nope. As best I can tell, she's been avoiding any semblance of blood, fat and bone for decades now. Morningstar products were basically invented for this woman.

And this would explain why she prefers basically all meat well done. We recently listened to a fantastic podcast from The Moth where Adam Gopnick described how he and his wife overcame years of arguments about "well done" vs. "rare" ("Rare Romance, Well-Done Marriage" is definitely worth a listen: funny, honest and insightful). We found ourselves nodding throughout, partly because we could remember those moments when our dietary preferences caused conflict.

One such moment occurred just a couple weeks back. We were celebrating a friend's birthday in Milwaukee and went seeking lunch a little bit later than anticipated. Traffic had been awful, brunch had been postponed and everyone found themselves completely famished at 2:30 p.m. We arrived at the pub and ordered just in time: the kitchen was closing in 5 minutes. I ordered biscuits and gravy because I was in a brunchy mood, and Amber ordered a cheeseburger medium well done. All was well with the world. Beer was being drunk, and food was being cooked. But. Then the food arrived.

My bride's burger was apparently not well done. I say "apparently" because I was judging solely based upon her disgusted facial expressions. After all, we were eating in a dimly lit bar, Amber was on the other side of the table, and I don't find pink hamburgers all that unusual. Regardless, my wife stated, "I cannot eat this." Since the kitchen was closed and sending food back was not possible, I only had a few options:

1) I could magnanimously offer to switch meals with my lovely wife.

2) I could cling to the biscuits and gravy (which looked really good, by the way), asking questions like, "Are you sure, hon? I hate for you to not eat. Maybe you could get past it?"

3) I could magnanimously offer to switch meals in between huge bites of my food, allowing me to seem kind without being completely self-sacrificial.

Once everyone else at the table looked my direction, option number two was pretty much out of the question. They would have thought I was a jerk...and they would have known I was a jerky husband that writes a marriage blog. Not a good combination. So I basically had to choose between genuine altruism or a hybrid approach of altruism and self-interest. Naturally, I started taking big bites of biscuits and gravy. In between gulps, I would say things like, "Just a couple bites, and then we can totally switch."

This is not necessarily a moment I'm proud of, mind you. I would love to portray myself as a nice guy who would happily sacrifice for his spouse. But I typically settle for "just sacrificial enough to seem nice to my wife and others." I find the minimum bar, and I exceed it by a hair.

The President of my alma mater had been married over 50 years and often joked that he was still waiting for that moment when he looked for his wife in photographs instead of looking for himself. Well, me too. People are naturally selfish, I suppose. But I still believe that lifelong relationship can gradually change you. Maybe you can find yourself a little more willing to trade meals or cancel your appointments or look out for your partner first. After all, I gave her the biscuits and gravy eventually, right?

Unfortunately, both the cheeseburger and biscuits and gravy were pretty underwhelming. Per usual, I was clinging to something I did not really want or need. My wife may be a rarity, but I'm pretty typical sometimes.

- Cliff (aka The Husband)

Moral High Ground and the Crunchy/Creamy Debate

Sometimes I think the real question of marriage isn't Who is the right person?, it's, Are you a crunchy person or a creamy person? Yes, I'm talking about peanut butter. Because it's virtually impossible for a creamy person to happily eat a crunchy sandwich. And crunch lovers know a creamy sandwich is lacking.

Maybe your issue is toilet paper. My grandmother's bathroom used to have a newspaper clipping hanging over the toilet paper roll. It said:

He says over / I say under / It's becoming quite an issue / Deciding what's the proper way / To hang the bathroom tissue.

And then there's socks: fold, or roll? Cliff prefers to do both: roll athletic socks, fold dress socks. And shirts: when I fold t-shirts, I put the crease right down the center. Cliff prefers two creases, one on each side, like he works for the Gap.

On a rough day, these silly topics can become marital battlegrounds, and we stake our own territory like it's the moral high ground. Apparently I'm not the only one facing these big issues in life. This clip from Up All Night made me laugh because it reminded me just how ridiculous these sorts of debates are:


Whether it's peanut butter, or socks, or toilet paper, I'm sure you and your spouse have some insignificant difference that you occasionally defend like it's a moral high ground. Laugh about it today - and share your own comic differences here in the comments section.

Choking: Ten Years of Marriage, and I Still Can't Parallel Park with Cliff in the Car

I remember taking driver's ed as a 15 year-old in Warrensburg, Illinois, population 1400. It seemed a little ridiculous that parallel parking was a requirement of the test. When would that ever be needed in Warrensburg?

Fast forward ten years to the Uptown neighborhood of Chicago, where finding a parking spot was roughly equivalent to getting a top deal on Black Friday: not technically impossible, but incredibly unpleasant just the same.

Needless to say, I learned to be proficient at parallel parking. I won't claim to be a pro - I still have to rock back and forth almost every time - but I don't avoid doing it either. Except when Cliff is in the car.

I find it technically impossible to parallel park if Cliff is in the car. You can see an illustration of how it always ends up in the picture above: more than once I've gotten to this point, slammed the car into park, and said, "Why don't you just do it." Then I walk into the house in a huff, as if Cliff had said something derogatory about my abilities, which of course he didn't.

Parallel parking is the only thing I can think of that really causes me to freeze in front of Cliff. But thankfully I'm not the only one. University of Chicago assistant professor of psychology Sian Beilock has the same parallel parking issues in front of her husband. She calls it choking, and has written a book (Choke: What the Secrets of the Brain Reveal About Getting It Right When You Have To). When faced with "performance anxieties," she recommends:

1. Distract yourself
2. Don't slow down
3. Focus on the outcome, not the mechanics
4. Find a key word (a one-word mantra)
5. Focus on the positive
6. Change your grip 

(These tips come from an article in University of Chicago Magazine.)

Items 1, 2 and 6 seem to be spectacularly bad advice for parallel parking, but I plan to try the others the next time I have to park with Cliff in the car.

My theory on the parallel parking issue is that deep down, I don't want Cliff to think I'm unimpressive, about anything. (Funny, since no one knows my complete unimpressiveness more than he does.) We want (and need?) to be seen as competent and capable in front of our partners. The more we fixate on that, the more we choke.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who finds it impossible to do something they're normally completely capable of in front of their spouse. Anyone? Anyone? Share what you choke on, and your theory of why.

Six Ways the Holidays Can Hijack Your Marriage (And How to Avoid Catastrophe)

Photo by AussieGold. Used with permission
from Flickr Creative Commons. 

Christmas, Hanukkah, and the other festivities we celebrate can be beautiful expressions of our faith; terrific excuses to gather family around us; and gentle reminders to give more to others. Or the holidays can be a living hell. It just depends.

No where is this felt more than in your marriage. So to help avoid the worst, here's Six Ways the Holidays Can Hijack Your Marriage.

1. Money: You never have enough of it at the holidays, right? Honey-baked Ham takes some serious coin. As do gifts for the kids' teachers, booze for the office party, and that new Lexus we're apparently supposed to have waiting in the drive on Christmas morning.

Marriage researchers always put money at the top of the "what couples fight about" list. It goes without saying that fighting often intensifies during the holidays. Avoid the fighting by setting a budget today, and sticking to it. Divide the purchasing so that neither of you has to feel like Scrooge. Suggest you draw names for extended family gifts; go in with another parent on teachers' gifts. And skip the Lexus.

2. Time: Like money, there's never enough time during the Christmas season. And while the first few holiday parties can be fun, baking cookies at 2 a.m. for tomorrow's Christmas party usually isn't. Most importantly, the busyness of the season sometimes keeps us from actually enjoying it with the ones we love. So before you book the calendar, block out some time for you and your spouse to watch your favorite Christmas movie alone; or plan a date night to Zoo Lights, without the kids. Fill in the calendar with things that are fun and/or unavoidable, but don't add more than is necessary.

3. Food: We wait all year for the first handful of Puppy Chow, the first sip of Egg Nog. But of course we don't stop at the first bite. Freshmen Fifteen has nothing on the Holiday Love Handles that develop by the time the New Year rolls around.

One of the side benefits of marriage is that your spouse is legally obligated to love you in spite of the love handles. Just the same, there's no sense in giving your partner more to love this Christmas season.

4. In-laws: The one thing I remember my parents fighting about throughout my childhood was how to divide our time at Christmas between both sides of the family. And my two sets of grandparents lived 10 minutes a part. Multiply that by hundreds of miles, or multiple faith traditions, and it's no wonder that figuring out the in-law thing can be a major marital headache.

And it's not just who you spend your time with that can be a marriage hijacker. Does one side of the family give lavish gifts that you can't compete with? Are there family traditions that should have died a decade ago? Brother-in-laws that pick fights about politics? (Side note: The Onion recently ran a headline something along the lines of, Area Man Withholds 75% of Opinions During Thanksgiving Visit to Parents. Yep, I get that.)

When you're tempted to side with your side of the family, remember to have your spouse's back - especially in public. If you're both flexible, you'll figure out the extended family drama with less drama of your own.

5. Division of Labor: On average, 10% of men feel the division of labor at home is unfair; 60% of women feel it is. Ouch! Add in the extra holiday responsibilities of shopping and wrapping and baking and cleaning and decorating ... and it's easy for one spouse to feel over burdened. Men, make a point of taking responsibility for extra tasks (it has the side benefit of almost certainly guaranteeing you a little extra nooky, see link above). Women, let some of the tasks go, be willing to surrender control of the ones you hand over, and take a task or two off his plate too.

6. Dissatisfaction: Finally, the last big factor in marital holiday hijacking is that this season is designed to remind us of what we don't have: a house big enough to hold the extended family, a new car in the drive, jewelry boxes wrapped and waiting under the tree, an iPad hidden in the rafters for a Christmas morning surprise. It's easy, in a season of consumerism, to start counting what you don't have instead of what you do; dissatisfaction can quickly trickle down to your marriage, too.

The antidote to this, of course, is remembering what the season was originally designed to celebrate (and the answer is not Santa). Practicing gratitude together can be a place to start. As is mindfully lighting the Menorah or Advent candles. However you get through the holiday season, commit today to getting through it together, with your spouse.

What hijacks your marriage during the holiday season, and how do you avoid it?

Are you ready for some...parade floats?

Those of you who regularly read this blog know that I (the husband) have a penchant for sports and pop culture. Thus, I also have a penchant for reading Grantland, the sports and pop culture site recently created by ESPN writer Bill Simmons. Earlier this week, Simmons made the following comment during his weekly football picks:

I love carving the turkey because at around 9:30 at night, when my wife is still cleaning up and getting madder and madder that I watched football all day, I have a ready answer for this exchange:

Her (sarcastic): "Thanks for the help!"
Me: "Come on, I carved the turkey!"

...I'd like to thank the guy who invented turkey carving for making me feel useful on my single laziest day.

Simmons has made repeated comments like this one about Thanksgiving and marital stress over the last few weeks, culminating with a comment last week that Thanksgiving football precipitates more divorces than any other holiday or sporting event.

You see, there are now three professional football games on Thanksgiving: the Lions, the Cowboys and a Thursday evening night cap. Prior to this year, the Lions game could simply be ignored, but now even that team has improved (Strongly resisting the urge to taunt Detroit fans here. What can I say? I'm a Chicagoan.). But watching three straight football games on any holiday seems pretty risky, and Simmons comments got me thinking: Is my football-watching annoying my wife? Are other people under the impression that Thanksgiving is NOT about football?! So I took a drastic step. I actually asked my wife how she felt about Thanksgiving football.

For some men, this might seem like opening up Pandora's Box. But here's the thing: I was under the (perhaps mistaken) impression that I am pretty insulated from holiday-related criticism. I mean, I regularly bake desserts. I have been known to hand wash dishes after large family meals. I even voluntarily sleep on the floor when visiting my in-laws. How could a nice guy like me possibly offend anyone by watching football? Right? (Many male readers are currently nodding their heads, I assure you.)

So I asked Amber a simple question: "What is Thanksgiving all about?" This question is akin to asking someone, "What is the true meaning of Christmas?" Thankfully, she did not imitate Linus by dragging a blanket onstage and offering a heartfelt speech about pilgrims, first winters and our proud American heritage. She responded with, "There are four things that should happen on Thanksgiving: eating, spending time with family, watching the parade and watching football."

I was obviously incredulous. There's a parade on Thanksgiving? And someone wants to watch it? Very strange stuff, indeed. Also, football was number four on her list? I mean, my Thanksgiving list would have been food and football. Period. You might think I felt guilty when she mentioned that Thanksgiving should be about spending time with family. You would be wrong. It's presumed that family are sitting near me during the whole "food and football" thing, but they're obviously not the focal point. Let's not get carried away.

At any rate, I risked a second question also: "At what point would you say too much football has been watched on Thanksgiving?" Then I took a deep breath. My wife's answer to this question could significantly affect all future holidays, obviously. I would watch no less football on TV, but I could very well find myself feeling guilty for doing so. Yikes. Amber's response? "Towards the end of the second game, I would probably start getting restless. I'm fine with football being part of the day, but I hate the way it follows familiar gender roles: women in the kitchen cooking and cleaning up while men sit around watching football. Plus, 6 hours of football is a lot." Now, I would never deny that 6 hours of football is a lot. I would, however, argue that 6 hours of football is not enough. And you know how I solve restlessness? I stand up, I take a food break and then I sit down again.

Again, I avoided feeling too guilty about my wife's comments. Remember: I do some cooking, and I do some cleaning. I also play with my kids during football games. So those pesky gender roles that bother Amber are not being completely followed in our household. But that did not change the fundamental tension here. Thanksgiving football may not exactly be pushing our marriage to the brink, but it was capable of causing some tension at least. My perfect Thanksgiving is filled with football. My wife's perfect Thanksgiving involves decidedly less football. So I might not feel guilty about my priorities or behaviors, but my priorities and behaviors clearly affect my wife's holiday experience, nonetheless. That's marriage for you: your actions simply cannot exist in a vacuum any more.

With my wife's perspectives in mind, I made some pretty deliberate efforts today. I ate our Thanksgiving meal and cleaned the kitchen during the Packers-Lions game. I made my pies during the Dolphins-Cowboys game. I even watched a little of the Macy's parade. You know what? These were pretty small sacrifices in the grand scheme of things. My Thanksgiving was still enjoyable, and my wife's Thanksgiving was pretty okay too. Perhaps I should ask my wife for her honest opinion more often.

Perhaps I should also bring a book or magazine for use during the parade. Listening to Matt Lauer gush about floats and lip syncing pop stars is probably not quite as bad as having your fingernails slowly pulled out...but it's way less entertaining than football for sure.

- Cliff (aka The Husband)

Taking the Gratitude Thing One Step Further

After yesterday's post on the discipline of gratitude, a friend sent a link to an article from the New York Times called A Serving of Gratitude May Save the Day.

It's a great article, and I suggest you read it. But knowing you have a turkey to bake and pies to make, let's assume you won't get around to reading the article. Here's a quote that pretty much sums up the research it covers:

"Cultivating an “attitude of gratitude” has been linked to better health, sounder sleep, less anxiety and depression, higher long-term satisfaction with life and kinder behavior toward others, including romantic partners. A new study shows that feeling grateful makes people less likely to turn aggressive when provoked, which helps explain why so many brothers-in-law survive Thanksgiving without serious injury."

In one study, researchers asked participants to write a weekly gratitude journal entry. When compared to the control group, the grateful participants were emotionally and physically healthier. They even worked out more.

The article also mentions an exercise developed by positive psychology expert Martin Seligman: "[write] a 300-word letter to someone who changed your life for the better. Be specific about what the person did and how it affected you. Deliver it in person, preferably without telling the person in advance what the visit is about. When you get there, read the whole thing slowly to your benefactor. 'You will be happier and less depressed one month from now,' Dr. Seligman guarantees in his book Flourish."


If you're like me and have a long car ride ahead of you today (and have you checked out the Chicago traffic reports yet?), then I challenge you to try a modified, road-trip version of Seligman's exercise. Take time to tell every person in your vehicle (kids, spouse, mother-in-law) five things about them for which you are grateful. Think about the character traits, the positive habits, or the skills and talents that make that person special, and that have a positive impact in your life. Research says you'll be headed for a healthier and happier Thanksgiving holiday. 

Giving Thanks: The Year-Round Practice of Gratitude

Photo by gisele13. Used with permission.

Earlier this year I was at a meeting. The leader called us to order and asked us each to share a spiritual practice you do daily. Not your average ice breaker question. 

The people around me gave all sorts of great practices: yoga, Scripture reading, prayer. I struggled to come up with my response, and was glad I was one of the last to go. I really wanted to be honest and only name a practice that I actually do daily. And while the things other people listed were great, I couldn't honestly say I did them every day.

When it was my turn, I answered honestly: I said I practice gratitude daily. And I do.

The spiritual practice of gratitude is one you can do regardless of your faith perspective, or even if you lack a faith perspective entirely. It simply requires that you take time each day to be intentionally thankful for the goodness in your life: for the abundance and warmth you're surrounded by, for the love and joy you share with others.

I try to be thankful for big things: that we've managed to stay employed through a tough recession, that our house is warm and safe, that our children are happy and healthy. But I also spend time concentrating on the smallest of things: the taste of coffee when it's perfectly mixed with cream and sugar; the way the moon streamed in through the window last night; how my daughter's face looked when she kicked a soccer ball into the net for the first time. I am grateful for Cliff snoring next to me, because his snores remind me that he's there and breathing, and give me permission to be a snorer myself (which, I'm told, I certainly was last night).

Spiritual disciplines are meant to bring you closer to God - and because I believe in God, gratitude succeeds in doing this. But I think it brings me closer to others as well because it makes me focus on the best there is about them. It makes me more joyful.

On Thursday we'll  all sit down at an over-stuffed table with our friends or family and name one thing for which we are grateful. This year, make a point of extending your gratitude to the other 364 days as well, and see if it brings you closer to others (including your spouse).

Have You Ever Lied about Telling Your Spouse Something?

 About twice a week, Cliff and I have a conversation that goes something like this:

Cliff: Don't forget I'll be home late tonight. My meeting goes until six.

Amber: Six?

Cliff: Yes. We talked about this. Remember? You said it was no problem.

Amber: [Clears throat. Tries to recall.] When did we have this conversation?

Cliff: Last night. After you were in bed.

And then we both realize we've done it again. I've managed, yet again, to have an entire conversation with Cliff while I was asleep - none of which I now remember. And Cliff has managed, yet again, to think I was actually awake and alert.

Usually these conversations are about stuff that doesn't impact the flow of our days: a Jon Stewart joke, the performance of Cliff's fantasy football team (okay ... it doesn't impact the flow of my day). But occasionally it's important stuff, and I'm oblivious.

Confession: Once or twice, when I've had absolutely no recall of the conversation, I've wondered if Cliff was making it up. But then I remember just how oblivious I am after 10 p.m., and know that he's telling the truth. (It also helps that I trust Cliff's character.)

All this to say, I laughed heartily at the intro scene from Modern Family two weeks ago. (See clip above.) Claire, apparently, shouldn't trust Phil as much as I trust Cliff. Watch the first few minutes and you'll see what I mean.

Have you ever lied about having told your spouse something? Leave a comment and confess here: