Book Review: Marriage, A History: How Love Conquered Marriage

Let me cut to the chase: you don't want to read this book.

This doesn't mean that "Marriage, A History: How Love Conquered Marriage" by Stephanie Coontz isn't terrific: I'd give it 4 out of 5 stars. It's just long, and academic, and more of a lit review than a compelling story.

So, here is what you need to know from this 432 page fascinating b00k (which includes over 100 pages of bibliography and index) that you'll probably never take the time to read:

- Household economy: From the pre-historic era until sometime in the 1700s, marriage was an economic proposition. Attraction was based less on romance and more on resources. Love developed after marriage, if the couple was lucky.

For the wealthy, marriage was a way to develop allies that expanded your families influence and wealth. Cleopatra and the Kings of England are the classic examples of this: it was practically standard operating procedure to kill or otherwise dispose of your spouse in order to marry a better connected lover. Are your children from a previous spouse preventing the development of a more influential family line? Off with their heads!

For the poor, marriage was about survival: it took more than one adult to farm, weave, cook, clean, serve in the king's army, carry water, etc. Marriage gave you a workmate, and you looked for the most equipped partner: the strongest husband, the hardest working wife, the maid whose father had fertile farm land, the bachelor with an established apprenticeship in a trade.

For reasons we're all familiar with, women often drew the short end of the stick in these relationships. Wealthy families usually passed wealth from father to son - a daughter's best service was to marry well, to connect her brother to another wealthy family. Unhappy and dangerous marriages were an unfortunate result, and were meant to be lived with rather than remedied. A poor woman who left her husband had no economic recourse, so staying was often the only option.

- Transferring affection from house to home: As wage labor became more popular, younger people were no longer as dependent on their parents at the establishment of their working lives. This, along with philosophical changes, gave young people more freedom in choosing their own partner. And, as life expectancy was rising, it became more reasonable to marry someone you wanted to spend a life with.

In the pre-industrial world, people felt warmth and affection toward their house: the lineage from which they came, the long line of ancestors, noble or not. Marriage choices were made to advance the house. As societies developed, generations became more independent of their ancestors: the focus of affection moved to the home a couple created.

As couples took time to develop affection before marriage, frequency of premarital sex increased. To counter this, the Victorians established a "cultof female purity" that made sex distasteful for women and guilt-ridden, at least when with a respectable woman, for men.

This focus on the couple also decreased rates of domestic violence as women had more choice in who they married. But marriage was not always a safe place for women.

- Natural Reactions: Marrying for love had some natural consequences. In addition to increased sexual activity prior to marriage, it also led to increased rates of divorce: if you married someone because you loved them, why stay married when you are unhappy?

In the 1920s, many also began to question the sexual double standard for men and women. The "cult of female purity" (that women should not enjoy sex) began to subside as, well, everyone got a little better at admitting that sex just feels good. A more casual approach to sex became acceptable (in some circles) for "good girls."

Marriage as an institution changed rapidly in the 20th Century, thanks to the Great Depression, World War II, the boomer generation, and the sexual revolution. Marriage was most idolized in the 1950s and early 60s - and it was in this era that our "ideal" of the husband as the economic engine and the wife as the heart of a family emerged. Yet even as this was emerging as the ideal, women began to fight against the trappings: those who had worked to support the war effort now missed the engagement of a job outside the home. And conveniences of modern life - washing machines and pre-cooked meals - made caring for the home easier than ever. More and more women were being educated as well.

Ironically, the young parents of the 1950s, and their children, who so idealized this nuclear family model, ended up having the highest divorce rates of the century.

- Toward a more egalitarian future: Coontz, a sociologist, proposes that the future of marriage is freer of the labels and restrictions of the past. Marriage may become uncommon in some cultures (and sub-cultures). Many states are moving to recognize civil unions or marriage for same-sex partners. And male-female marriages that do occur often represent relationships that look very different from the past: dual-breadwinners, stay-at-home-dads, child-free unions.

Perhaps the greatest value of this book is a reminder that marriage cannot be defined. Or, at least, its definition is not static: it changes with each generation. The ideas of those who hold too closely to any rigid definition of marriage are unlikely to survive the test of time.

"Marriage, A History" is fascinating. But thousands of years of written history - and some basic assumptions about our pre-history - is tough to summarize, especially around a topic as complex as marriage. I would have liked more stories, and a stronger look at non-Western cultures. Just the same, a sociology and marriage nerd like me, it was a page-turner: the only problem was the number of pages that needed turning.

Adjusting to Parenthood

The Huffington Post recently ran an article by sociologist, educator and parent, Dr. Christine Carter, about the challenges of adjusting to parenthood and the need for empathy with our spouses throughout this adjustment. She makes some great points - check out the article.

Earlier this week I wrote about the adjustment to marriage. For me personally, adjusting to marriage was a lot easier than adjusting to parenthood. It's just hard to love the total loss of your free time, even if you completely love the bundle that wakes you up.

The adjustment to parenthood is sometimes seen as a marriage killer: as Carter mentions in her article, 70 to 90 percent of couples report being less satisfied with their marriages after a baby is born. Here's two contributing factors:

1. The obvious: children take the focus off adults. So Mom is suddenly jealous that Dad is cuddling Junior instead of her; Dad would like to push Junior out of the way and regain access to Mom's breasts. That's a total over-simplification, but you get the point.

The remedy for this is equally obvious: regular, sacred time for each other. This may require hiring a babysitter, or sticking to a bedtime routine for the child that leaves couple time at the end of the day. Whatever it is, it has to be a priority. Even if you don't feel like it.

2. The less obvious: new responsibilities around the house reveal inequality in the division of household labor. Women bear more of the housekeeping burden than men, and we don't like it. Tara Parker-Pope's book For Better (read my review here) has a whole section on this. New baby = new chores. And often, though certainly not always, these responsibilities fall to the mother, who may have more time off work to accomplish them in. The habits of the early months of parenting leak into the years ahead, and can unintentionally cause rifts in marriage.

It should be noted that sometimes these inequalities in division of labor are perceived rather than actual. Sometimes the wife is more particular about how a chore is done, and her preferences negatively restrict her husband.

The fix for this is less formulaic. It has to start with honest conversation, followed by an honest accounting of what has to be done. Letting some of the work go might be the best thing: who really cares if the bathroom gets cleaned every three weeks instead of two? Finding a crutch, which I write about here, might be possible.

I suspect there are dozens (thousands?) more contributing factors to the challenge children bring to marriage. Finding your factors is the first step to greater satisfaction in your marriage, and probably to better-adjusted children too.

Adjusting to Marriage

The view among my friends seems to be mixed: either marriage is incredibly tough to adjust to, or adjusting was a breeze. Very little middle ground here, it seems.

Whether marriage fit you like a glove, or like some too-small hand me down shoes, it only matters where you end up. Five months or five years in, if you're still feeling unadjusted, it's time for the marriage equivalent of a visit to the chiropractor.

Start with an honest conversation with your spouse (hopefully you've been having these all along). Be sure to use "we" language instead of the more-accusatory "I/you" language. Explain the depth of your love, and that it is this love that motivates you to seek the help you need.

Then consider turning to a professional. We often assume that marriage counseling is only for relationships that are in trouble. Instead, it should be viewed as a resource that's available for whenever you need a tune up to keep running well.

Yesterday I heard a friend-of-a-friend story about a couple that commits to four weeks of counseling a year, whether they feel like it or not. By doing this, they remove the negative stigma of counseling and also insure that should a problem arise, they already have the healthy habit of seeking help. I know of several couples that have divorced without seeking counseling because they felt like a counselor would be entering the situation too late to be of use. This once-a-year commitment to counseling removes the obstacle in getting help if you need it.

And, when it comes to assessing how you feel about your adjustment to marriage, remember this: if you were a basically happy person before marriage, you'll probably find yourself feeling about the same way in marriage. If you occasionally felt ill-adjusted to your life circumstances prior to marriage, chances are you'll carry that to the altar.

Does that doom you to a life of being ill at ease? Absolutely not. It just means you should never expect marriage to fix your frustrations about life. Some baggage you just have to deal with on your own.

For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage - book review

I'll admit it: I'm a sucker for a good women's magazine quiz.

Perhaps that's what first attracted me to Tara Parker-Pope's book For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage. The book is packed full with relationship quizzes, but not the "is your man a bud or a dud?" type. Instead Parker-Pope borrows questions from actual scientific research so you can measure the level of egalitarianism, the balance of housework, or the frequency of sex (as compared to the norm) of your relationship.

Essentially what Parker-Pope has done is create an easily-readable lit review of credible relationship research. She sprinkles in the quizzes to keep us interested, but the real star is the research itself. Examining marriage through science allows you to access your own relationship in a clinical way that seems safe. If it's science, it's less emotional, right?

Parker-Pope is an engaging writer with her own interest in understanding the ups and downs of relationships (she began researching this book while going through a divorce). She takes what could be a dry topic (science research) or an overly emotive one (marriage and happiness) and manages to strike a healthy balance.

Ever wonder what science has to say about your relationship and housework, parenting, money, gender balance, health, or your probability for divorce? This is the book for you.

If the book has one fault it's that Parker-Pope fails to acknowledge the shortfall science experiences in explaining love. Sure, Oxytocin levels surge in the early stages of a relationship, increasing feelings of attachment. But that doesn't explain why those hormones surged in that special way for that one special person, instead of for the others you'd dated before.

A friend, who has been married close to 40 years, once reminded me that marriage is part method, part mystery. Parker-Pope does an outstanding job highlighting what science has to say about the method. The rest is mystery.

Delusional but Delighted: How Marriage Benefits from a Little Mixed-Up Thinking

Self-delusion is a grand thing.

Study after study has shown that we rate ourselves above average more often than not - and yet, by definition, only half the population can be above average at any one time. One data set showed that 94 percent of college professors felt they were above average at their job!

We can't all be great - it's true. But is it so wrong to think your spouse is? Absolutely not.

New research from the University of Buffalo found that individuals who tend to idealize their partners tend to fare better at marital happiness than the pragmatists among us.

How can this help your marriage? Here are some thoughts - completely undocumented by research, but grounded in real-life:

• Find something your spouse is the best at, and make a point of telling others. We recently hung two portraits of our children, hand-drawn beautifully by my husband, in a prominent place in our house. I glow with pride every time a friend mentions how talented my husband is, and I totally agree.
  
• Draw attention to your own best features rather than dwelling on your weaknesses. Tell your spouse about your day at work, and don't forget to mention the applause you received from your boss. That little mistake in the spreadsheet you created? It's not worth discussing.
• Spend time with your in-laws. Chances are, they think your spouse is great. My mother-in-law is convinced her sons can solve any computer problem that exists. And often, given a little time and urging from their mom, they can.
  

Public Exposure: Facebook and Marriage

A friend recently shared the story of her brother's divorce: he thought he was happily married, his wife was having an affair. They separated, and despite a brief attempt to work things out, their marriage ended over a year ago.

"She's still my friend on Facebook," my friend told me. "And sometimes I go to her profile to look at the pictures. I just wanted to see the face of the man she thought was better than my brother."

In similar circumstances, I'm sure I'd do the same thing. And I'm sure the Facebook page would be full of juicy details.

My anecdotal evidence is validates by a new survey from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, which reports 81% of America's top divorce lawyers have seen an increase in information from social media as evidence in divorce filings.

February: The Month in Review

Here's a quick overview of some of the more interesting relationship research of the month:

Marriage can Improve Mental, Physical Health: Married people live longer, married women experience stronger mental health, married men have better physical health, say researchers at Cardiff University. But the findings hold true only in committed relationships. Single people are healthier than people in strained marriages.

Friends Make Marriage Better: Your marriage may get a boost just by hanging out with other couple-friends. Meaningful conversations with other couples can make you feel better about the strength and happiness of your own relationship, say researchers at Wayne State University.

Are Dads Only Good for Play?: A new study, published in Developmental Psychology, shows that couples experience a stronger bond when fathers spend more time playing with their children. So is this good news? Maybe not. The study's author offers an explanation for the findings: perhaps moms feel better when dads are playing with their children instead of providing care, because it means they aren't doing something incorrectly.