Three Reasons I'm Saying Sorry

It's tax season, and for the first time ever we owed money this year. We thought having a second child in 2010 would score us a rebate: no dice.

We got the bad news a few weeks ago, and have been checking the check book ever since: shifting money from savings to checking, mentally tightening our belts, and calculating the decreasing percentage of my self-employed pay check that we actually get to keep.

Not surprisingly, we've bickered a little along the way. Survey after research study after casual conversations with your friends reveals that virtually every couple fights about money. Not having enough of it means you fight about how to allocate your limited resources. Even if you have enough cash to pay the bills - and maybe even save or take a vacation - you probably still find a way to get tense when the topic comes up. We do.

As a result, tonight Cliff and I had this exchange:

Me: I'm sorry I got pissy.

Him: I'm sorry if I was pissy too.

Ah ... forgiveness.

No doubt we'll repeat this conversation next April, and probably a few times in between. So here, in advance, are the reasons I know I'll need to say I'm sorry:

1. I forget to give Cliff the benefit of the doubt.

Let's say Cliff notices a charge on the card - $150 at Target. It's reasonable for him to ask, "What did you buy at Target?"

Usually I struggle to remember, then offer a generic response: groceries, diapers, maybe a some spring clothes for the kids? But inside, I feel defensive, and I want to say: "You know it takes a lot of money to feed this family, but I don't see you complaining about the ice cream in the freezer."

Perhaps on another night I ask a question about how our budgeting software works. And something (probably imagined) in his tone of voice sets me off: I'm convinced there's condescension as he answers.

What I forget in exchanges like these is that Cliff is a reasonable person. Nine times out of ten he has reasonable reasons for asking questions. Nine times out of ten he answers questions patiently and graciously. I unfairly read into his words and immediately turn defensive. I don't give him the benefit of the doubt, and he deserves it.

So I'm saying sorry.

2. I forget that we're in this together.

My blood pressure rose as I wrote hefty checks to the federal and state government. In that context, any conversation with Cliff has a higher odds of getting pissy.

Money fights, especially when the budget is tight, are tough because the problem can't be solved by make up sex. (Though it's not a bad idea to try.) Getting over the argument doesn't mean the circumstances have changed.

What I need to remember is that we're in this together: it's his bank account, too, that is shrinking by the minute. We might as well hold hands as we sign the check.

Again, I'm sorry.

3. I forget to have perspective.

This season's financial stress will pass - our marriage is here to stay. The higher than normal credit card bill will get paid off, the unexpected medical expenses will be paid for eventually, and hopefully the car won't need repairs next month.

Keeping money woes in perspective is important: even when they last for years, they're still less important than the person you're sitting next too.

Sorry, Cliff, for forgetting that sometimes.

When we were Peace Corps volunteers in Tonga, we used to play a card game with friends, betting our Pa'anga (the Tongan money). It was a low stakes game - the equivalent of exchanging nickles and dimes - but it still hurt a little when you lost a stack of coins. Then someone would laugh, point to the odd looking money, and say, "You can't spend this sh*t any where else."

Perhaps gambling isn't exactly setting a great example ... but the theory holds value: put a little less emotion into your relationship with money, and a little more emotion into your marriage. And be quick to say you're sorry.

Monogamy and Happiness

NYT contributor Ross Douthat recently published an interesting article on the value of monogamy, as separate from morality.

Citing research, he says, "Female emotional well-being seems to be tightly bound to sexual stability — which may help explain why overall female happiness has actually drifted downward since the sexual revolution."

The study showed the happiest women had one or only a few sexual partners over the course of their lives.

Monogamy, Douthat concludes, still feels good.

Words Create Worlds

The words you use create the world around you: use words of togetherness in your marriage, and you'll likely be "together."

Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz offer the words and phrases they hear most often from the healthy and successful married couples they interview. The full article can be found here.

1. Words that indicate togetherness.

2. Phrases that show truthfulness and trust.

3. Language that reflects mutual respect.

4. Conversation that hints at fitness and concern for health.

5. References to joint finances and shared goals.

6. Words that express non-verbal intimacy.

7. Indications of surprise and variety in the relationship.

Do you and your spouse share these words and phrases in your communication about your relationship? If this sort of content seems like a foreign language, it might be time to become more conscious about how positively you speak about your relationship with each other and to others. Can't control what you say? Get professional help to learn new communication skills. The good news is these skills can be learned.

Before You Marry

Last Saturday Cliff and I attended a wedding we won't soon forget. It started 90 minutes late, and included a prayer that the wife would be submissive (with an aside that the bride might have a little bit of a problem with this).

The informality is perhaps best illustrated by a quote from the cousin who walked the bride down the aisle: "I'm not losing a sister, I'm gaining a brother. But Wayne, if you don't treat her right I will find you and kick your ass."

The bride and groom wrote their own vows. I can't recall them in detail, but I do know the bride got a laugh when she thanked her husband-to-be for putting up with her crazy family.

Marriage requires a good deal of "putting up with," and so perhaps Wayne and Sylvia are well prepared for the future. But how do you really prepare for marriage? I recently came across an article on seven topics you MUST talk about before you walk down the aisle (or move to the front of the bar, as was the case on Saturday). Written by husband and wife psychologists Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz, it pretty much sums up the biggies. And, perhaps, it's not such a bad review for us old married folks too.

The seven topics are below - check out the link for sub-questions and additional commentary from the authors.

1. Why you love each other.

2. What you believe to be the "core values" of your loving relationship

3. Whether or not children are important to your marital relationship.

4. How you see your relationship evolving - what do you want it to be 5, 10, and 20+ years from now?

5. How you will share decision-making in your marriage.

6. What you want most from your marriage.

7. You need to have a heartfelt conversation about the question - "Can you imagine life without each other?"

Use It Now:

Even if you tied the knot years ago, you may find the questions in this article to be helpful.

When I first read the article, one question caught my attention: If there was a fire, what would things would you save? Cliff and I had recently discussed this question: his answers revealed a lot about his personality and priorities, and a few surprised me as well. Questions like this are a good reminder to never stop learning about your spouse.

Is Premarital Counseling Worth It?

Just came across these stats in an article on the value of premarital counseling:

• Thirty-seven percent of married adults have participated in formal marriage preparation before their wedding, and, according to the National Directory of Marriage & Family Counseling,
  
• Premarital counseling reduces the risk of divorce by up to 30 percent.
  
• 41 percent of divorced folks have said that a lack of premarital preparation actually contributed to their divorce (according to a survey conducted by the National Fatherhood Initiative)

For my husband and I, premarital counseling was an important part of our preparations for life together. A professional therapist was quickly able to identify the communication patterns that, unchecked, might have had disastrous long term consequences. By seeing them early in our relationship, we were able to fight them - and instead creating good patterns of communication that have served us well for the last 10 years.

My verdict: premarital counseling is well worth the expense.

New Research on Dinner, Divorce, and Living Together

Three new research studies are making us question what we thought was statistical fact. Here's a quick overview from the Population Association of America's annual meeting.

- Does dining together make for healthier, smarter kids? Popular wisdom and some research said yes, until recently. But new longitudinal research says having dinner together may not make a statistical difference. The research is preliminary, but for harried parents trying to feed and bathe kids at the end of the day, it may be a welcome relief to know a few meals eaten apart won't harm your child's chance of getting into Harvard.

Are you one of these frenzied parents? Here's an article you can relate to.

Use It Now:
Give yourself a break. Concentrate on being attentive to your kids, whether that's over a meal, while you help with homework, or in the midst of a rousing Wii game. And let the new found freedom not to dine with your kids give you the time you need to have a Tuesday night dinner with your spouse.

- If your parents divorced, you're more likely to as well, right? Divorce research has often shown it tends to be inter-generational. But new research says the most important factor might be the type of marriage your parents had. Did they yell, loudly? You may be more likely to divorce, probably as a result of learned communication patterns. Those of us whose now-divorced parents fought more amicably may not have a significantly increased risk of divorce.

- Living together before marriage puts you at a higher risk for divorce, right? Maybe not, now that cohabitation is more common.

Royal Marriage Advice: Celeb Advice

It seems everyone is lining up to offer marriage advice to Prince William and Kate Middleton. Just for fun, here's some of the wisdom offered by celebs of varying degree. With one possible exception, it turns out to be rather dull: the same sort of common sense stuff you'd expect your aunt to offer. Then again, it's not such bad advice.

Duchess Fergie: "Remember that you're marrying a beautiful man you are in love with and remember to make time for him, because I didn't. Andrew and I spent 40 days together for the first five years of our marriage. I didn't know that would be the case, but figured it out two weeks after I was married."

Jane Lynch, of Glee: "Your main love relationship needs to be your safe harbor. And they're going to be doing a lot of things outside, and they have a lot of duties other than the duties to their marriage."

Michelle Obama: enjoy, love each other, have fun and go on a great honeymoon.

Russell Brand: "I've got some marital advice. Spice up things in the bedroom by pretending to be French."