Your Personal Top 10

One of the great joys of blog writing is that occasionally someone responds with a comment, critique, or suggestion. It makes me feel important in a "when I grow up I want to be a professional writer" sort of way.

As such, I was delighted last week when a friend sent along a link to Dan & Mike's "Top 10 Reasons for A Successful Marriage" list. Dan and Mike, in case you don't know, are relationship experts (their website doesn't exactly explain what makes them experts, but I'll take them at their word) who regularly appear on CNN, Fox News, Oprah, and other media outlets.

Here's their list:

1. Open and consistent communication

2. Keeping Intimacy Fresh

3. Setting Mutual Goals

4. Having a Life Outside of Each Other

5. Having fun things to look forward to together

6. Addressing the “800 lb Guerillas” ie. Money, parenting, religion, etc

7. Creating marriage rituals and keeping them consistent

8. Variety in the bedroom

9. Empowering trust within each other

10. Remember to have fun with each other and get over arguments quickly

Reasonable stuff, don't you think? The same sort of things that you might have read here on this blog, or heard in any variety of women's magazines, websites, or talk shows.

So here's a new idea for some familiar advice: take two minutes and rank order the list. What's your number one? Now ask your spouse to do the same. Should spur some conversation.

Marriage Crutches

When we were expecting our first child, Cliff and I agreed that we'd try not to use pacifiers. Like most expectant parents, we'd done a good deal of reading - and some of the most persuasive literature said that pacifiers were crutches. Teach your kid that they need the pacifier to sleep, and they'll be dependent on a little piece of plastic rather than learning how to soothe themselves to sleep.

Two nights into parenthood we begged the maternity ward nurses for a pacifier - any pacifier, used if necessary - too quiet our demanding, noisy little boy.

It was three years later before our son gave up his beloved paci (in exchange for a lollipop), but it was three years of sleep-filled nights for all.

Was the paci a crutch? Sure. But if the choice is between a crutch or no sleep, I'll take the crutch every time.

I've been thinking about crutches lately - those little things we need to get us through our days. A good crutch brings a big benefit with very little harm. Life is rosier because of its existence. Relationships are less strained.

Football season - which is now drawing to a close - necessitates my favorite crutch, the DVR. In our family's pre-DVR days, an interruption to change a dirty diaper or tickle a toddler's belly presented an unbearable choice for my Bears-loving husband. Not always understanding of his affection for da Bears, I let my withering looks and cold shoulders punish him when he wasn't eager to step away from the television. Now we just hit pause, take a play break with the kids, and catch up with the game when we can.

I'm not the only one who relies on a crutch. A friend of a friend mentioned her marriage's favorite recently: a cleaning service. Neither husband or wife could stand their filthy apartment - and regular bickering over who was pulling his or her weight with the cleaning, and who wasn't, spoiled otherwise nice days together. For this couple, marital happiness was worth more than the price of a twice monthly maid.

What crutches does your marriage rely on?

Or do you need a crutch you haven't yet found? To discover it, think about the areas of marital tension that always surface: interruptions during the football game, a house that seems dirty with no one to clean it, managing the after-school hours for the kids. It's unlikely that your partner will change his or her overall approach to these issues - so is there any other solution that might decrease tension?

Admittedly, most of the crutches I have in mind cost some money. These are middle class luxuries that not everyone can afford. But if you can, spend the money - sacrifice your custom cup of joe, tickets to a concert, or a few dinners out and make it happen. Like that pacifier we popped in our son's mouth, it may just stop some crying.

This Flash Mob is My Love Letter to You

If you're not already a fan of Modern Family, this clip may convince you. I love it for its humor, but also for its true-to-life reflection of relationships. We show our love in the most unusual of ways, and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

In this clip, buttoned-to-the-top Mitchell surprises his exuberant partner Cameron by being in a flash mob. Learning the dance is Mitchell's intentional attempt to surprise his partner by acting out of character. "This dance is my love letter to Cam," he says. It's joyous, and hilarious too: especially in the way Cameron responds.

What's your unlikely love letter?

Cliff, Claire & Klosterman, On Marriage:

"In the nineteenth century, teenagers merely aspired to have a marriage that would be better than that of their parents; personally, I would never be satisfied unless my marriage was as good as Cliff and Claire Huxtable's (or at least as enigmatic as Jack and Meg White's.)"
- Chuck Klosterman, from the essay This is Emo, in Sex, Drugs, and Coco Puffs

Enigmatic or not, Jack & Meg's marriage didn't survive. And Cliff & Claire aren't real, despite their permanent residence in the psyches of a generation. So what should we aspire to in marriage?

Perhaps that's a good question to ask your spouse. In advance of the conversation I plan to have with my husband, I've been trying to answer the question for myself. Here's the best I can come up with:

"I want, on every anniversary, to know that I'd still make the same choice."

Of course there's more to it than that - I want to make him laugh; I want above-average sex; I want to keep learning together; I want new adventures when we're 80; and I want to hold his hand to the very last minute. I want to know I don't have to change every dirty diaper. I promise I'll be able to participate intelligently in conversations about the Bears.

Essentially, I want an intimate friendship that lasts. That's what I aspire to. And why? Well,

I'll borrow an answer from the article by Rachel Combe, posted in the previous entry:

... "The point of marriage, I think, is to create meaning, with every happy and sad memory, every hardship overcome, every kind act, every moment of acceptance, every triumph (Gore will likely never get to have another wife watch him win a Nobel Prize), every child, grandchild, pet, and friend you accumulate ­together. The point of staying married until you die is to have a witness to your whole life, to the meaning you built. In the end, you can look at your spouse and say: Somebody knew me—and I knew them. Which isn’t to suggest you need to marry to have this kind of intimacy, but if you do marry and stay alive to that marriage (it’s possible to live your whole life with someone and never summon up the humanity to get to know them), you will get that reward."

I aspire to make it through marriage so that I know and am known this way. There's more to it than that, but I think that's a pretty good place to start. And if we can manage that ... then each anniversary I'll toast the good choice we made in September of 2001.

Mostly-Happily Ever After: About this Blog

Anyone who has been married more than a few months knows the truth: happily ever after is a myth. But mostly-happily ever after, well, that might be do-able. If only someone sensible could tell us how.

Neither of us is the sensible person you’re looking for. But we are on the hunt for all reasonable recommendations of how to last through the first years, or the second ten; how to make fresh what seems stale; how to make a good marriage great.

Think of this blog as a clearinghouse of ideas and commentary related to Mostly-Happily Ever After.

A friend once said that a good marriage is part method, part mystery. We hope what you find here will help you think through the methods of your own relationship, and create a positive environment where the mystery can occur.

Check out the blog and you’ll find two types of content:

Information (from articles, books, popular culture, etc.) and conversation about marriage-related topics: We hope the content will spark conversation and help you shape the methods of your own relationship.

Ideas and resources for the intentional development of your relationship: substantive conversation-starters, exercises, and activities that start with the assumption that your marriage is good and can be great. (I’m sure you’re skeptical about this, but give us a chance.)

Let’s be honest: we’re doing this for ourselves. After 10 years of marriage, we’ve yet to find any “marriage enrichment” resources that felt right for our relationship. (Check out the post, “Enough with the Silly Love Songs” for the story.) So we’re starting a dialogue of our own. And to hold us accountable, we’re sharing them with you.

Tell us what you think – we can take brutal honesty – and share your ideas too.