A Song of Ice and Marriage

You may or may not have heard of George R. R. Martin. If book jackets are to be believed, Martin is "the American Tolkein." Of course, if book jackets are to be believed, Ayn Rand once praised America (the Book) by saying, "This is similar to my works in that anyone who reads it is sure to be an a**hole for at least a month afterwards." However - regardless of whether book jackets are to be believed - Martin's works of fantasy fiction have quickly gone from little known to cult classic to ubiquitous. His book series, A Song of Ice and Fire resulted in a fantasy novel debuting at #1 on the New York Times Bestseller list for the first time in 30 years, spawned an Emmy-nominated HBO series (A Game of Thrones) and gave many geeky web rings a reason for existence. I started reading the books several years ago thanks to a friend's recommendation, and I am now more than a little hooked. My wife once asked me to explain why the books appealed to me despite their graphic violence and sex (yes, insert one liners here), and I responded that these tales were like some strange combination of Lord of the Rings, Sopranos and Stephen King.

But what does this have to do with marriage, you ask? Well, there are several important lessons about long-term relationships that can be gleaned from this particular book series. For example:

1) If you bring a bastard son back home with you after a long war, don't expect your wife to be excited about it.

2) Long-term incestuous relationships are generally frowned upon regardless of whether you are inhabiting a fantasy world where dragons and giants have been sighted. There are some moral absolutes, after all.

3) Dwarfs need loving relationships too.

4) Marriages can work regardless of whether they are built on romantic love or political alliance, but generally people will end up dead either way.

5) Kids can sometimes complicate things, but they are also quite useful in your never-ending quest for absolute power.

You get the idea, I think. One need not read Jonathan Franzen or John Updike to find dysfunctional families; the many kingdoms of Westeros have their fair share also.

At any rate, I recently started watching A Game of Thrones with some friends that have HBO, a DVR and a hospitable spirit (bless them). Some of those watching have read the books, and some are encountering these characters for the very first time. After several episodes, the sheer number of twisted marital relationships was pretty staggering. One particular relationship portrayed in the book and TV series starts with an arranged marriage: a young girl whose family was pushed from power is matched with the leader of a clan of savage warriors. They do not speak the same language or share the same culture, and their marriage is intended to serve no purpose other than raising an army for war. The man playing Khal Drogo was cast primarily for his large pecs, and that stands to reason because his character does not speak much. This is a man who likes sex, food and battle, but not necessarily in that particular order. So after a scene featuring these two characters, a friend of mine comments, "You know, I think they actually have the best marriage on this show." Everyone contemplated this for a moment and started nodding their heads. Because here's the thing: these two characters had somehow reached a point where they valued each other. She was trying to participate in his cultural practices. He was trying to tolerate her idiotic brother. Even if they could not speak with each other well and had some - ahem - rough moments, there was a sense of mutual respect. Many other marriages on the show involved people who shared things in common and dreamed of similar futures and raised children together, but this couple best embodied a healthy relationship. Why? They honored each other, and that counts for something.

There you have it: A Song of Ice and Marriage with a couple relational insights and no spoilers whatsoever. Just remember: death is inevitable, winter is coming and marriage is still worth it even if fiction indicates otherwise.

- Cliff (aka The Husband)