Your Marriage on Shark Week

This image borrowed from here. We probably owe credit to Universal Films as well. 

As I'm sure you were aware, it was Shark Week earlier this month. For the first time we attempted to watch a little of the programming ... only to be turned away by night after night of bloody video after bloody video. Have you noticed it never goes well for the humans?

Let me introduce you to a new concept: Marital Shark Week (hereafter referred to as MSW - not to be confused with a 'masters of social work,' though we have one of those in our house too). MSW is that week of your year (or week of your month, depending) where a fight is sure to happen, and things don't go too well for the humans involved.

You have those, right? Sometimes it's a week where you fight constantly; sometimes it's a week where the tension builds to a gigantic fight. Either way, MSW is real. Here's how you know you're in it, and what to do about it.

Signs it's Shark Week Again

1. You hear the ominous music. I'm sure you can conjure the Jaws theme music in your head. It's meant to build emotional intensity, and the soundtrack was so successful that we can all scream in unison at just as the music climaxes. In MSW, you can practically hear the music as the negative emotional intensity builds.

In case you've entirely missed the US pop culture scene since 1975, here's that ominous music:

2. You see the teeth. Every marriage has fights, but MSW fights are different. The teeth are barred, and you plan to use them to tear at your opponent. And while your teeth may be in better order than the average shark, it's still not pretty.

3. It's rerun after rerun. If its a good fight, it's worth having more than once, right? Discovery Channel feels that way about Shark Week programming, and chances are it's true of your fights too. We tend to argue about the same things, repeatedly. Especially during MSW.

Getting Past Shark Week
Like the television Shark Week, MSW is most likely to pass with time. But there are two things you can do to make it pass faster:

• Have the fight. Why anticipate a fight when you can just have it and get it over with? Disagreements are normal in marriage - or in life. Delaying the discussion only intensifies the emotion. If you can have the fight early, you might avoid some of the emotional intensity and teeth barring that come after a long build up.
  
• Realize you don't get past some arguments.When it comes to marriage research, my attitude toward John Gottman has always been "Quote early, quote often." Here's one of his moments of brilliance: 

Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other's mind - but it can't be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage." - from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

You might find this depressing, but it shouldn't be. Gottman's giving you permission to agree to disagree, and to focus your energies on finding a work-around instead. Now doesn't that sound more productive than fighting?

The Last Thing I have to Say about Shark Week
Due to my status as a mother of a four year-old boy, I happen to know a lot about dinosaurs. So here's a fact for you: sharks were around long before the dinos roamed the earth. In fact, researchers say sharks have been around longer than just about any other predator.

Perhaps I should just let this metaphor go, but permit me to draw a final conclusion: What does this mean for your marriage? You're not going to eliminate Shark Week. It's been around forever and it's gonna happen again. Plan for it. Settle in with a bag of popcorn.

For more on fighting in marriage, check out Cliff's entry "On Being Wrong": http://themarriageproject.blogspot.com/2011/08/on-being-wrong.html