Protecting Your Marriage's Blind Side

We are a Bears family. For proof of this fact, simply ask our almost-five-year-old son who our family's favorite team is. He will declare, "The Bears!" Note, that there is no need to mention which sport or distinguish between college and professional. There are billboards throughout Chicago declaring, "One city. One team." The advertising wizards behind this campaign have clearly connected with our household. Although, I probably get more credit (and/or blame) for this family's collective devotion. My kids wore their first Bears clothing within hours of returning home from the hospital, and we've been known to watch "Pure Payton" as Saturday morning entertainment. The aforementioned ad executives have nothing on this guy.

So, for the better part of three years now, our family has watched every single Jay Cutler snap. This has sometimes proven painful, both because of the manner in which the man gets pummeled by opposing defenses and because of his tendency to throw into double coverage. Let's ignore that second trend for now (and let's also ignore his habit of making pouty faces on the sideline). This particular post is about what it means to get someone's back. In Culter's case, the meaning is fairly obvious. When a Bears "offensive lineman" - note that I place that in quotes - inexplicably imitates a revolving door, Cutler typically finds himself laying on the ground under a pile of humanity. This happens at a pretty regular clip. In the game pictured above, Cutler was sacked 9 times...in the first half. Oh, and he suffered a concussion. It's not that bad every week, of course (although he's been sacked 106 times in the last three seasons, which is - you know - pretty ridiculous). Still, it's fair to say that Cutler's often uncertain whether his offensive line has his back. Every single play, there is a giant man barreling towards him from behind, and his teammates' track record in these situations is not exactly stellar.

A few weeks back, Amber and I gathered with some other married friends and the discussion turned to whether our marriages were intentionally supported by people in our lives. Essentially, the question was whether there were people in our lives that had our backs. Afterwards, I commented to my wife that I don't actually know what "intentionally support" means sometimes. Sometimes it's easy enough to recognize:

• A friend asks his buddy, "How's your marriage?"
  
• Two couples chat about life and relationships rather than just watching a movie.
• A neighbor offers to babysit so a couple gets date night on their anniversary.

Those actions and moments are critical, for sure; the network of support that exists around a marriage can make a huge difference on a day to day basis. But that's probably not the equivalent of a 300 pound defensive lineman sprinting towards you, right? Because that's easy enough to recognize too:

• A husband berates his wife in front of dinner guests.
• Several office colleagues are discussing relationships when suddenly one person starts crying.
• A wife confesses to her friend that she's been cheating on her husband.

What does "intentional support" look like then? Those were the moments flashing before me when I started struggling for a real definition. Getting someone's back is not always easy to define, after all. If supporting your friends' marriages just meant date nights and good conversation, that would be easy enough. Then again, if Jay Cutler always had 10 seconds to find the open receiver, that would be easy enough too. That's just not life.

I think intentionally supporting a friend's marriage might actually mean asking some hard questions. But it also could mean shutting up. I think intentionally supporting a friend's marriage might mean calling him out for infantile behavior. But it also could mean taking his side. There's no manual for getting someone's back, just like there's no manual for a perfect marriage. Every decision is split second. Every situation is different. Every single play could go wrong somehow. Still, you need someone that gives everything they have for you, for your relationships.

The Bears' offensive line played pretty well the other night, and all was right with the world. But this city's collective memory is pretty short and there's another game on Sunday. Cutler needs someone to get his back every single week. You know what? So do I.

- Cliff (aka The Husband)