Around the time we got engaged, we attended a marriage enrichment course others had recommended. There were hundreds of couples in the room – some of whom and been married for decades, others who (like us) were just taking that step.
On the last night of the course, in what was clearly supposed to be the emotional climax of the event, the facilitators brought a man with a guitar to the stage. They gave us the instructions to face our partner, hold both hands, and look unblinkingly into our partner’s eyes while the man sang a lengthy (and, if I recall correctly, rather trite) love song.
Cliff and I were at the height of our relational giddiness. I’d never felt this sort of emotion for another human being, and I was certain of my love for him. But even so, this little exercise, set to the tune of a tired 80s love song, was just too much to bear.
By the end of the first verse we were snickering. By the chorus we were biting our lips to keep from laughing out loud. Somewhere in the middle of the second verse we began making faces at each other, batting our eyelashes and licking our lips suggestively. I think Cliff started whispering sweet nothings in my ear, using an exaggerated French accent. As the song entered its fourteenth verse, we gave up on even feigned participation and just began discussing the rest of our weekend. If this hadn’t happened before the era of smart phones, I’m pretty sure we would have been surfing Facebook on our iPhones. It’s a wonder we didn’t get kicked out.
Luckily for us, sappiness is not an accurate predictor of marital success.
We learned something about our relationship that night – though it probably wasn’t the lesson the course’s facilitator wanted us to learn. We discovered that emotional connections cannot be manufactured: it takes more than mood music and a command to stare into one another’s eyes. We also learned that we just don’t do sappy.
Fast forward a decade. We now have 10 years of marriage under our belt (and, to be honest, the belts are a little bigger these days than they were when we said “I do”); we balance two kids, dual careers, an old house with an endless list of DIY projects, and volunteer commitments to our church and community. Our marriage has weathered the demands of daily life well, but we know it needs some basic maintenance (much like our aging home) to keep it in good shape for the long run.
Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of places to turn for sap-free basic maintenance advice. It seems that when it comes to marriage resources, most things fall into two categories: cheesy and non-substantive, or problem-based, with the assumption that your marriage is broken and you’re teetering on the edges of divorce.
I’m looking for a third category: substantive and strengths-based. I’m open to recommendations, as long as they don’t come with an 80s soundtrack.
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