Adjusting to Marriage

The view among my friends seems to be mixed: either marriage is incredibly tough to adjust to, or adjusting was a breeze. Very little middle ground here, it seems.

Whether marriage fit you like a glove, or like some too-small hand me down shoes, it only matters where you end up. Five months or five years in, if you're still feeling unadjusted, it's time for the marriage equivalent of a visit to the chiropractor.

Start with an honest conversation with your spouse (hopefully you've been having these all along). Be sure to use "we" language instead of the more-accusatory "I/you" language. Explain the depth of your love, and that it is this love that motivates you to seek the help you need.

Then consider turning to a professional. We often assume that marriage counseling is only for relationships that are in trouble. Instead, it should be viewed as a resource that's available for whenever you need a tune up to keep running well.

Yesterday I heard a friend-of-a-friend story about a couple that commits to four weeks of counseling a year, whether they feel like it or not. By doing this, they remove the negative stigma of counseling and also insure that should a problem arise, they already have the healthy habit of seeking help. I know of several couples that have divorced without seeking counseling because they felt like a counselor would be entering the situation too late to be of use. This once-a-year commitment to counseling removes the obstacle in getting help if you need it.

And, when it comes to assessing how you feel about your adjustment to marriage, remember this: if you were a basically happy person before marriage, you'll probably find yourself feeling about the same way in marriage. If you occasionally felt ill-adjusted to your life circumstances prior to marriage, chances are you'll carry that to the altar.

Does that doom you to a life of being ill at ease? Absolutely not. It just means you should never expect marriage to fix your frustrations about life. Some baggage you just have to deal with on your own.