How Marriage Gives You Freedom, and When Not to Take Advantage of That

The frat house/movie analysis is that marriage ties you down and keeps you from being free. Let's be honest, there's some truth in that. Most of us insist that our partner doesn't have the freedom to sleep around, spend our shared income indiscriminately, or move to Rio on a moment's notice.

But marriage also gives you freedom in ways that aren't always stated. Here's where we're getting real, folks ... and if you can't take it, get out of the blog.

There are two freedoms that come to mind immediately:

1. Marriage gives you the freedom to fart.

Now men, perhaps you never felt your farting freedom was restricted. But we women have been taught never to let one rip - and to be woefully embarrassed if it does happen. We've perfected looks of feigned ignorance, and many of us have resorted to blaming our non-verbal children when the unfortunate incidence does occur.

That's not necessary in marriage. Right? It's simply impossible to hide our natural body functions, and so we just get used to it. Ahhh, the sweet scent of freedom. Errr ...

2. Marriage gives you the freedom to let go a little.

Perhaps, in your single days, you never left home without a good dousing of your Obsession cologne. Maybe you never went out on a Friday night without putting on clean boxers, just in case. I bet, when you were single, you couldn't imagine noticing a significant stain on your shirt, and not changing.

Enter marriage - and especially parenthood: if I changed my clothes every time a child wiped his nose on my shirt, it would multiply our laundry ten fold. And we already do a lot of laundry.

So yeah, marriage gives you some freedoms. And these are good: it's part of being real with each other - no facades, nothing artificial.

Until it causes trouble. Because freedom can go too far.

I was reminded of this earlier this week when reading another marriage blog, The Generous Wife. You only need a few lines to get the picture:

"Time for an underwear check: Yup. Go through your undies drawer and remove anything worn, ugly or that doesn't fit. Replace with pretties."

Who among us can't use that advice? (Singles and newlyweds, is my guess.) We can get so comfy in our Fruit of the Loom cotton briefs that we forget they're not exactly enhancing our relationship. That's where freedom fails you.

This came to mind when a friend, a new mom who just returned to work, sent me an article on the pumping breast milk. (Thank God those days are over, I say.) The author comments: 

These days, when I am home, I pump on the sofa in front of the TV — an image I hope will one day unburn itself from my husband’s retinas. I imagine I look like some weird experiment in animal husbandry in which I am both the farmer and the cow.

Again, marriage gives you the freedom to pump on the couch. But is it really a good idea?

One last "freedom fail" example: naked bodies aren't always attractive. A certain husband who shall remain unnamed once hinted that perhaps his lovely and shapely wife should change in the bathroom after her workout. Point taken, thank you. The classic pop culture example is the Seinfeld episode where Jerry has a girlfriend who is always naked. And while that may seem like a turn on, it's definitely not:

So I think we've all learned our lesson here: Marriage gives us some valuable freedom. It's not to our best advantage to always act on those freedoms.

Off to take stock of my undies drawer.

Women Gain Weight After Marriage: Didn't Need a Study to Tell Me That

Hey - bubble skirts were stylish in 1991.

A few years ago I found my junior prom dress in a back closet at my mom's house: and it still fit. Almost twenty years later. 

Now, not so much. 

It happens, ladies. 

And apparently research has confirmed this. Women gain weight after marriage, says a new survey from Ohio State University. (Click here for the university's press release.) 

The study looked at people in their first years of marriage, and found it was not uncommon for women to put on a few pounds. This was especially true for women over the age of 30. 

The researchers didn't really ask the question, "Why?" but I think we can all pose a few suggestions: 

A container of yogurt or a frozen burrito might have been a meal in our single days ... but no more. Whether we're doing the cooking, being served, or going out to eat, there's more food in front of us now. And who can resist?

Additionally, many of us eat to keep up with our husbands. He's having a second serving, so we feel permission to do the same. Ice cream for dessert? Sure! Unfortunately, most of us don't have metabolisms that can keep up with the extra calories we intake, and eventually it starts to show. 

Add in pregnancy and the normal aging process, and frankly I'm surprised the research only showed a few pounds of weight gain. (Of course, the study only looked at women in their first years of marriage.)

I'm not sure if we should find this study reassuring (look, I'm not the only one!) or depressing (it's practically unavoidable!). But I am fairly certain worrying about it isn't going to take the weight off or help me feel better about it. So ladies, three cheers for happy marriages, self-esteem that isn't tied to the way I look, and occasional slices of cheesecake. 

PS - Men, it seems, saved their significant weight gain for after divorce. Men tend to actually be healthier in marriage (wives, it seems, convince husbands to have salads every once in awhile, and visit a doctor when they aren't feeling well). 

How Little Ceasar's Almost Derailed the Day

He looks cute, but this little guy is trouble. 

Yesterday morning I had to leave the house early - and had meetings that ran late into the evening. Cliff (who, let it be said, is an absolutely terrific dad) was taking responsibility for getting the kids out of bed, breakfasted, and to daycare, PLUS picking them up, feeding them supper and into bed. (Have I mentioned that he's a really great dad?)

"So there's ravioli in the freezer, or you can just pick up a pizza for supper," I said as I was ready to run out the door. 

"Don't do that," he said back - with a degree of verbal emphasis that took me by surprise. 

"What?"

"Tell me how to do things," he said. "I can figure out what's in the freezer or cook dinner. I know how to take care of our kids. And I don't want to be the guy who need instructions whenever his wife leaves."

Ouch. I, of course, immediately defended myself: I wasn't trying to tell him how to do something, I was just letting him know what options are available. And since I'd done the grocery shopping most recently, I had the clearest idea of what was still in the house. It was a public service announcement, as far as I was concerned. Certainly not an attempt to be overbearing. 

But once I got past being defensive, I could sort of see his point: he's a grown man and has always taken his share of responsibility for the household and the kids. Though it wasn't my intention, it's demeaning for me to imply otherwise. 

So here are my two takeaways from yesterday's exchange:

1. I don't want to be one of those people that has to control the household. I've known that forever ... what I didn't realize is that I can accidentally slip into it unconsciously. (Or at least be perceived to have slipped into it.)

2. We were both right. It wasn't so wrong of me to mention what food was in the house. And it wasn't so wrong of Cliff to call me on my controlling nature. It's possible to both be right at the same time. The sooner you can recognize that, the quicker you can avert a fight.

2 1/2. Okay, we were both wrong a little too. When Cliff read this account, he said, "Huh. I sorta sound like a jerk (okay, he did not say jerk...use your imagination). Then again, I was kind of a jerk about it. Sorry about that." Fair enough. We may have both been right, but sometimes it's possible to express your rightness in the wrong way.

Nothing like learning a couple major life lessons before 8 a.m. And one more thing: have I mentioned that Cliff is a truly fabulous dad? 

Your Marriage on Shark Week

This image borrowed from here. We probably owe credit to Universal Films as well. 

As I'm sure you were aware, it was Shark Week earlier this month. For the first time we attempted to watch a little of the programming ... only to be turned away by night after night of bloody video after bloody video. Have you noticed it never goes well for the humans?

Let me introduce you to a new concept: Marital Shark Week (hereafter referred to as MSW - not to be confused with a 'masters of social work,' though we have one of those in our house too). MSW is that week of your year (or week of your month, depending) where a fight is sure to happen, and things don't go too well for the humans involved.

You have those, right? Sometimes it's a week where you fight constantly; sometimes it's a week where the tension builds to a gigantic fight. Either way, MSW is real. Here's how you know you're in it, and what to do about it.

Signs it's Shark Week Again

1. You hear the ominous music. I'm sure you can conjure the Jaws theme music in your head. It's meant to build emotional intensity, and the soundtrack was so successful that we can all scream in unison at just as the music climaxes. In MSW, you can practically hear the music as the negative emotional intensity builds.

In case you've entirely missed the US pop culture scene since 1975, here's that ominous music:

2. You see the teeth. Every marriage has fights, but MSW fights are different. The teeth are barred, and you plan to use them to tear at your opponent. And while your teeth may be in better order than the average shark, it's still not pretty.

3. It's rerun after rerun. If its a good fight, it's worth having more than once, right? Discovery Channel feels that way about Shark Week programming, and chances are it's true of your fights too. We tend to argue about the same things, repeatedly. Especially during MSW.

Getting Past Shark Week
Like the television Shark Week, MSW is most likely to pass with time. But there are two things you can do to make it pass faster:

• Have the fight. Why anticipate a fight when you can just have it and get it over with? Disagreements are normal in marriage - or in life. Delaying the discussion only intensifies the emotion. If you can have the fight early, you might avoid some of the emotional intensity and teeth barring that come after a long build up.
  
• Realize you don't get past some arguments.When it comes to marriage research, my attitude toward John Gottman has always been "Quote early, quote often." Here's one of his moments of brilliance: 

Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other's mind - but it can't be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage." - from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

You might find this depressing, but it shouldn't be. Gottman's giving you permission to agree to disagree, and to focus your energies on finding a work-around instead. Now doesn't that sound more productive than fighting?

The Last Thing I have to Say about Shark Week
Due to my status as a mother of a four year-old boy, I happen to know a lot about dinosaurs. So here's a fact for you: sharks were around long before the dinos roamed the earth. In fact, researchers say sharks have been around longer than just about any other predator.

Perhaps I should just let this metaphor go, but permit me to draw a final conclusion: What does this mean for your marriage? You're not going to eliminate Shark Week. It's been around forever and it's gonna happen again. Plan for it. Settle in with a bag of popcorn.

For more on fighting in marriage, check out Cliff's entry "On Being Wrong": http://themarriageproject.blogspot.com/2011/08/on-being-wrong.html

On Being Wrong

This may be hard to believe, but my wife and I have occasional disagreements. When these situations present themselves, I have the unique advantage of always being right.

What?

Okay, fine. I may not always seem right, but I am absolutely convinced that I am right and I am incredibly persuasive about that fact. What I find strange is that my wife somehow resists my rhetorical prowess and questions my arguments. It's almost as though she trusts her instincts, perspectives and judgments more than mine. I found this quite difficult to comprehend until a friend forwarded me the TED talk below.

Kathryn Schulz calls herself a "wrongologist" and suggests that there's a pretty thin line between feeling right and feeling wrong. That's something to keep in mind the next time you're having an animated discussion with your significant other. Think about how absolutely certain you are. Consider how only one explanation could possibly make sense. Guess what? That's exactly what your spouse feels like.

This obviously explains why my wife mistakenly believes me to be incorrect sometimes. I had her sit down and watch Ms. Schulz's presentation, but she has not yet seen the error of her ways. I will keep you posted.

Regardless, I would argue that a great many tensions (between individuals, between churches, between ethnic groups, between nation states) could be lessened if people could somehow arrive at the hard-fought realization that they might be wrong.

And since I'm the one making the argument, I would advise you take it seriously.

- Cliff (aka The Husband)

If The House Were On Fire: A husband's answer

Whenever Amber and I play The Question Game, answers almost always begin with the simple phrase, "Well, that depends..." Heaven forbid we answer a question with a simple yes or no; as Jeb Bartlett once put it on West Wing, "In my house, anyone who used one word when they could have used ten just isn't trying hard." That sums up conversations in our household pretty darn well. At any rate, my answer to Amber's question about what objects I would salvage from our house on the way out comes with caveats. During the week leading up to last year's NFC championship, for example, my answer would have looked like this:

During most other weeks, my answer would have looked like this:

I would grab the large tapa cloth that our Tongan host family gave us during our last week of Peace Corps service, the injera basket that I brought home from my first international trip, the Walter Payton jersey my wife gave me just after we learned she was pregnant with our first child, a book of lists that we have composed together on and off for over 10 years, a copy of the Bible in Tongan, a children's book that evoked memories of reading our kids over the years and whatever picture was hanging on the fridge that day. The honest truth is that all that would really matter to me is my family's safety, but these are the things I could probably never really replace.

And if you're shaking your head or rolling your eyes at my first picture, I can assure you of one thing: If you were a Bears fan, you would understand.

- Cliff (aka The Husband)

If The House Were On Fire

Cliff and I have a game we play – The Question Game – on “dates” or car trips or otherwise quiet moments. We take turns asking each other questions … these aren’t the usual, “what do you want for supper?” sort of questions that define daily married life. Instead, The Question Game challenges us to ask questions that dig deeper into who each other is: our childhoods, our crazy ideas, what we’d most like out of the future. It inspires creativity, challenges our thinking, and helps me learn better who exactly this guy I married really is.

A year or two ago, one of us asked the question, “If the house were on fire and our kids were safe – what are the things you’d grab on the way out?” Hearing each other’s answers was fun: I like knowing what objects he most treasures because they reflect the best points of our life together. And I think our approaches to the question reveal something about ourselves too. 

Yesterday I stumbled across a photo on Slate.  The photo was part of a series that asked individuals to take a picture of the things they’d grab if their house was on fire. The photos were beautiful collages of life. Here’s a link to the series: If The House Were Burning.

I decided to take my own “House On Fire” photo, which you see above. I’d grab the framed sketches of our children that Cliff did (Maggie’s shown here – but I’d grab both, of course), Brown Doggy and Monkey (our kids’ favorite stuffed animals), the journal I’ve kept since the kids were born, the typewriter Cliff gave me for my birthday a few years ago, and the framed photo of my grandparents on their wedding day. The computers are all backed up, my wallet and clothes can be replaced, but these things I don’t want to lose.

So here’s my challenge to you: ask your partner (or best friend) what he or she would grab on the way out. If you’re lucky, it will be a reminder of some of the highlights of your lives together. It will certainly reflect his or her values and interests. If you’re really up for a challenge, take a photo and post it here.

For more questions from The Question Game, visit here or here.

PS - We have friends who experienced a tragic fire recently. I don't want to make light of potentially dangerous or difficult situations. My sincere hope is that this post doesn't inadvertently cause pain to those who have experienced tremendous loss.

You Are Not Even Close to Being a Field of Cornflowers at Dusk: What Delusion Does - and Doesn't Do - for a Happy Marriage

My good friends O and Lo introduced me to the poet Billy Collins this past weekend. A former Nobel Laureate, he's a great poet for those of us who don't often like traditional poetry. His poem "Litany" is a delight - it's even more delightful to hear him read it:

But in case you're not going to watch the video - here's the text:

Litany
 You are the bread and the knife,
The crystal goblet and the wine...
-Jacques Crickillon

You are the bread and the knife,
the crystal goblet and the wine.
You are the dew on the morning grass
and the burning wheel of the sun.
You are the white apron of the baker,
and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.

However, you are not the wind in the orchard,
the plums on the counter,
or the house of cards.
And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.
There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air.

It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge,
maybe even the pigeon on the general's head,
but you are not even close
to being the field of cornflowers at dusk.

And a quick look in the mirror will show
that you are neither the boots in the corner
nor the boat asleep in its boathouse.

It might interest you to know,
speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,
that I am the sound of rain on the roof.

I also happen to be the shooting star,
the evening paper blowing down an alley
and the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.

I am also the moon in the trees
and the blind woman's tea cup.
But don't worry, I'm not the bread and the knife.
You are still the bread and the knife.
You will always be the bread and the knife,
not to mention the crystal goblet and--somehow--the wine.
 (Text taken from http://poemhunter.com/poem/litany/.)

I love Collins' poetic poking at our romantic tendency to idealize our lovers: the metaphors we use border on delusion. In this poem he somehow makes fun of our romanticism, and also idealizes it. I guess that's why he's the Nobel Laureate, and I'm just an amateur blogger.

There's something to be said for delusion in love. Researchers at the University of Buffalo found that, among 222 couples who were registering for marriage licenses, those who inflated their partners intelligence or appearance also reported being happier. In short, this means it's delightful to be loved by someone who thinks you're beautiful (or handsome), even if the world can't see it.

At the same time, there's much to be said for entering a relationship with your eyes wide open - knowing your partner isn't, as Billy Collins would say, the field of cornflowers at dusk. It's freeing as well not to be expected to be the goblet and wine, at least all the time.

Delusion and realism: a happy combination that a happy marriage makes. Thanks, Billy Collins.

PS - Just for fun, visit YouTube and search for "Litany 3 year old."

A Song of Ice and Marriage

You may or may not have heard of George R. R. Martin. If book jackets are to be believed, Martin is "the American Tolkein." Of course, if book jackets are to be believed, Ayn Rand once praised America (the Book) by saying, "This is similar to my works in that anyone who reads it is sure to be an a**hole for at least a month afterwards." However - regardless of whether book jackets are to be believed - Martin's works of fantasy fiction have quickly gone from little known to cult classic to ubiquitous. His book series, A Song of Ice and Fire resulted in a fantasy novel debuting at #1 on the New York Times Bestseller list for the first time in 30 years, spawned an Emmy-nominated HBO series (A Game of Thrones) and gave many geeky web rings a reason for existence. I started reading the books several years ago thanks to a friend's recommendation, and I am now more than a little hooked. My wife once asked me to explain why the books appealed to me despite their graphic violence and sex (yes, insert one liners here), and I responded that these tales were like some strange combination of Lord of the Rings, Sopranos and Stephen King.

But what does this have to do with marriage, you ask? Well, there are several important lessons about long-term relationships that can be gleaned from this particular book series. For example:

1) If you bring a bastard son back home with you after a long war, don't expect your wife to be excited about it.

2) Long-term incestuous relationships are generally frowned upon regardless of whether you are inhabiting a fantasy world where dragons and giants have been sighted. There are some moral absolutes, after all.

3) Dwarfs need loving relationships too.

4) Marriages can work regardless of whether they are built on romantic love or political alliance, but generally people will end up dead either way.

5) Kids can sometimes complicate things, but they are also quite useful in your never-ending quest for absolute power.

You get the idea, I think. One need not read Jonathan Franzen or John Updike to find dysfunctional families; the many kingdoms of Westeros have their fair share also.

At any rate, I recently started watching A Game of Thrones with some friends that have HBO, a DVR and a hospitable spirit (bless them). Some of those watching have read the books, and some are encountering these characters for the very first time. After several episodes, the sheer number of twisted marital relationships was pretty staggering. One particular relationship portrayed in the book and TV series starts with an arranged marriage: a young girl whose family was pushed from power is matched with the leader of a clan of savage warriors. They do not speak the same language or share the same culture, and their marriage is intended to serve no purpose other than raising an army for war. The man playing Khal Drogo was cast primarily for his large pecs, and that stands to reason because his character does not speak much. This is a man who likes sex, food and battle, but not necessarily in that particular order. So after a scene featuring these two characters, a friend of mine comments, "You know, I think they actually have the best marriage on this show." Everyone contemplated this for a moment and started nodding their heads. Because here's the thing: these two characters had somehow reached a point where they valued each other. She was trying to participate in his cultural practices. He was trying to tolerate her idiotic brother. Even if they could not speak with each other well and had some - ahem - rough moments, there was a sense of mutual respect. Many other marriages on the show involved people who shared things in common and dreamed of similar futures and raised children together, but this couple best embodied a healthy relationship. Why? They honored each other, and that counts for something.

There you have it: A Song of Ice and Marriage with a couple relational insights and no spoilers whatsoever. Just remember: death is inevitable, winter is coming and marriage is still worth it even if fiction indicates otherwise.

- Cliff (aka The Husband)

In Case You Were Waiting for Permission, Here It Is: You Don't Have to Have Kids

I was recently at a party where I fell into a conversation about parenthood with another couple about my age. Like me, they have two small children whom they love to pieces. But, said the husband (without an ounce of flippancy), "If I had known what I was getting into, I might not have had kids."

Every parent feels that way on occasion. If you don't, you should bottle your attitude and make a million selling it to the rest of us.  Absent that bottle of pixie dust, we just get through the low points and find new reasons to adore our children on the other side. This has been the primary parenting strategy since Adam and Eve, I suspect.

But here's what is different with our generation: we have a choice. I once (rudely) asked my grandma why she had two children just 10 months a part. "We didn't have all the same options back then," she told me.

At the time I assumed she meant birth control - which is true. The pill didn't hit the market until the early 1960s, and condoms and other methods were less reliable and less available in previous generations. Not to mention religious restrictions that were imposed with a heavier hand.

But now I realize she could have meant something else as well: society didn't offer her other choices either. Young people got married and had kids as a rite of passage to adulthood. Children made marriage legitimate. People who made alternative choices were looked on with suspicion.


Times have changed, and the stats back me up on this: "fewer people believe that kids are 'very important' to a successful marriage, according to a 2007 survey by the Pew Research Center. About 65 percent of us believed they were back in 1990, but just 41 percent of us believe that now." (I was reminded of that stat in this article by Vicki Larson.)

There's some research that points to the possibility that childless couples are happier. There's even more solid research showing that marital happiness dips in the first years after children (though it usually rebounds). On the flip side, there's also a recent set of research that indicates childless couples are more likely to divorce, perhaps because parents are more likely to stay married "for the kids." Larson covers some of this research in the link above.

So here's the bottom line: you don't have to be a parent if you don't want kids. You're a legitimate adult all by yourself. Permission granted.

If you think kids are in the future for your marriage, then it's time to start talking about it. (Even if you think the future is still 10 years away.) Google "questions to ask before having kids" and you'll find conversation starters from Forbes (clearly the definitive source on parenting), Dr. Phil, and just about every mommy blogger around.

I found one link with a few questions I particularly liked:

1) Do both people want children?
2) Do you both agree on how to raise the child and respect each other as parents?
3) Have you considered your reasons for having a child?


See the source, Parenting Diva, for more questions and commentary.

If you don't like the way you or your spouse answers any of the above questions, well, then be glad you live in this generation. You have a choice, and most of us will support you in it.

The Best Thing for Marriage Improvement Since the DVR

If you've read the back entries in this blog, you know of my deep affection for the DVR. I'm sure my marriage is not the only one to have greatly benefited from the use of the 'pause' button in the middle of a Bears game.

Now there's one more marriage-saving device on the market: the anti-fart blanket. Made of the a carbon material that absorbs smells, this attractive blanket (only $120, plus shipping and handling, for a queen size!) traps your spouse's nasty emissions.

Even better, there's a 1 minute infomercial to explain it all!

I won't be placing my order right away, but this does raise an important question: what inventions have "saved" your marriage? Or what should someone invent? Share your best ideas here.