The marriage particle accelerator

You probably think that a particle accelerator is a device that uses electromagnetic fields to propel charged particles towards each other at high speeds. But marriage particle accelerators look a little different. You don't need a synchrotron or beam aperture to propel two spouses towards each other at high speeds...you just need a small space and lots of uninterrupted time together.


Like many couples, Amber and I were informed during our pre-marital counseling that marriage is not a band-aid but a magnifying glass. This statement's obviously pretty cliche, but sometimes a statement gains cliche status because it's somewhat accurate. Were a friend to imply that his present relationship troubles will be alleviated after he finally gets married, I would probably chuckle nervously and repeat the old adage myself. Married people know that's not how it works. Conflict and troubles are more likely after marriage, not less likely. And conflict and troubles are more likely when two friends become roommates too. According to the old cliche, previous patterns/issues (both good and bad) get magnified; that said, I would actually argue that a particle accelerator is a better analogy.


Amber and I often called Peace Corps our own personal marriage particle accelerator. After all, we were pretty much together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for nearly 2 years. We slept in the same bed, worked in the same building and ate at the same table. That's a lot more chances for us to irritate each other or make thoughtless remarks. It's not that our conflicts were magnified...it's just that they were much more likely to happen. When you start propelling particles around in a small space, you're likely to get some collisions. That's what our Peace Corps experience was like, but we learned some good tricks along the way. Here are a couple:


1) Give each other breathing room - When Amber and I were reading different books in Peace Corps, I had a really bad habit of asking about the book, waiting a few seconds, sharing something from my book, waiting a few seconds and then starting the cycle again. Eventually, I learned to let her read in peace. We were together constantly...my little question or update could wait. Even in a small room, it's possible to provide breathing room.


2) Look on the bright side - When two partners spend whole days apart, they need to update each other during the evenings. But spending every moment together transitioned us from updating to...well...complaining. There were annoying co-workers and frustrating circumstances and language difficulties and a host of other problems, after all. For a while there, our togetherness seemed to engender bitch sessions more than encouragement. We learned to limit our rants to around 3 minutes (an old interpersonal communication tip that Amber brought to our relationship) and sometimes avoid certain topics altogether. 


There were other tips too, but I think you get the idea. These practices came in handy just recently. The holiday season is a mini-accelerator every single year. We're in cars and we're in cramped quarters and we're not getting alone time. If we weren't colliding with each other before, we likely will be during that two week stretch. So I let my wife read in peace while our daughter napped and she did not complain every time she could have. Marriage might turn into a particle accelerator sometimes, but there are ways to avoid being caught in super-collisions.


- Cliff (aka The Husband)