Three Positive Parenting Tricks That Will Work On Your Wife Too

Photo used with permission from Ben Fredericson.

Cliff's been out of town this week. And like all weeks where I'm on my own as a parent for several days in a row, by the end of it I have to work especially hard to hold my parental, err, stuff, together.

Thankfully I've got a bag of parenting tricks that I often remember to use. Last night, as Maggie was screaming from the bathtub and Sam was pretending exhaustion so that I'd let him watch television, I employed a few of them ... and realized these tricks would totally work on me too.

So here you have it: Three Parenting Tricks that Will Work On Your Wife. 

1. Praise Every Little Thing. You know how this goes with children. You say things like:

• Maggie, thank you for sitting still in your chair instead of climbing out and falling on your head, like you did yesterday.
• Sam, what a great job getting yourself dressed. I love the green shirt with the Super Man pajama pants. You have a fabulous sense of style. 
• Kids, terrific job picking up one toy each. You're great at that. Now let's tackle the toy box explosion that is the living room floor.

As parents, we do this to encourage good behavior and to teach our kids that we think they're terrific. There's all sorts of research about how praise of this sort doesn't work after age 8 because kids are smart enough to recognize the slight tones of insincerity in your voice. But I'm here to tell you, it's nice to have the little things recognized. Be sincere, let her know she's great, and do it for your wife today.

Sure, it's her job to take out the trash, or do the laundry, or balance the checkbook, or however your family divides up chores. But after a few decades of doing these tasks, they can come to seem pretty thankless. Say thanks today, and it might encourage more good behavior and (more importantly) remind your spouse that you notice and appreciate all her hard work.

2. Show Sympathy First. When my daughter climbs out of her chair and falls on her head, I rush to her, make sure she's physically okay and give her the cuddling she needs before I remind her that it's her own darn fault and that I've warned her about this a dozen times. Wives (and husbands) need sympathy first too. Sure, we're likely to complain about the same things all the time - rough days at work, rough days with the kids, rough conversations with family members. Instead of jumping right to the solution, or letting us know it's our own darn fault, start by showing a little sympathy.

3. Ignore the occasional infraction. Consistency is the bedrock of good parenting. I believe that totally. At the same time, sometimes you have to ignore the little things: sure Maggie threw her spoon on the ground again, but I'm going to overlook this little error so we can concentrate on something more important (like not standing up in her chair, for example ... can you tell I've seen a lot of that this week?). Likewise, sometimes I overlook a bit of bad behavior from Sam because I know he does know better, and it's not consistent with his normally obedient and cheerful personality.

I want Cliff to overlook a few things with me, too. When I rant for three minutes in an angry tone that's inconsistent with my normal outlook, write it off as an anomaly. When I forget to do something I said I'd do, forgive me quickly because you know it was an accident. Ignore the occasional minor infraction.

Cliff's pretty good at all this stuff. And frankly, these sorts of "tricks" work on him (and probably all husbands) just as well as they work on wives. We all want to know our spouse appreciates us, cares about our concerns, and forgives our little mistakes. You need the same tool set for good parenting and good partnering.