Top 3 Predictors of a Happy Marriage Among Parents

Photo used with permission from ElvertBarnes.

One more quick thing to note from Tara Parker Pope's coverage of the National Marriage Project's recent generosity survey of nearly 3000 men and women:

The top three predictors of a happy marriage among men and women are ... wait - take a second, close your eyes, and guess. What do you think they'll be?

No, seriously, guess ...

Okay, got your guesses? Here's the official findings. If you're a parent and you want a happy marriage, then focus on these three things:

1. Sexual intimacy
2. Commitment
3. Generosity

If you're not sexually satisfied, then you're likely to have a 6-7% overall happiness rate with your marriage. Ouch. But commitment and generosity are right behind: if you're not sure of your relationship (commitment), I'd be unhappy too.

The generosity thing is surprising at first, but not if you remember that the division of household labor is vital to a woman's happiness in marriage. In her book For Better, Tara Parker-Pope says research shows that 10 percent of men feel the division of labor in their home is unfair. By comparison, a whopping 50 percent of women complain of carrying an unfair housework burden.

We've covered this before, but it's worth repeating: when both spouses are satisfied with the division of labor (in other words, when you're generous with giving your time to the household), the couple has sex one more time a month. Which means taking care of #3 can improve #1.

Get busy, folks!

Not the Results I Expected

Photo used with permission from Tim Green. 

I'm an A student. Always have been. So I was disappointed with the results of a New York Times quiz I took this afternoon: how'd I do? Just average.

Average is a curse word.

Even worse, the quiz was, I thought, in my wheelhouse. Featured on Tara Parker Pope's column (she's a favorite of mine), the quiz asked, Do You Have a Generous Relationship?

Yes! I thought. And I felt pretty good as I answered the five questions: yes I appreciate Cliff. Yes I tell him so. Sure I do little things for him, sometimes.

Ahh ... I was honest there with the "sometimes." Honestly, I don't do that kind of "little thing" nearly enough. And apparently that's why I'm only average at being a generous spouse.

Why is this important? Here's what Tara Parker Pope's article, The Generous Marriage, reports, citing a study from the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia:

Men and women with the highest scores on the generosity scale were far more likely to report that they were “very happy” in their marriages. The benefits of generosity were particularly pronounced among couples with children. Among the parents who posted above-average scores for marital generosity, about 50 percent reported being “very happy” together. Among those with lower generosity scores, only about 14 percent claimed to be “very happy,” according to the latest “State of Our Unions” report from the National Marriage Project.

I feel pretty happy in my marriage, so I won't let my average performance on the quiz worry me. Just the same, it can't hurt to redouble my efforts at generosity.

Take the quiz and let me know what you think.

Three Positive Parenting Tricks That Will Work On Your Wife Too

Photo used with permission from Ben Fredericson.

Cliff's been out of town this week. And like all weeks where I'm on my own as a parent for several days in a row, by the end of it I have to work especially hard to hold my parental, err, stuff, together.

Thankfully I've got a bag of parenting tricks that I often remember to use. Last night, as Maggie was screaming from the bathtub and Sam was pretending exhaustion so that I'd let him watch television, I employed a few of them ... and realized these tricks would totally work on me too.

So here you have it: Three Parenting Tricks that Will Work On Your Wife. 

1. Praise Every Little Thing. You know how this goes with children. You say things like:

• Maggie, thank you for sitting still in your chair instead of climbing out and falling on your head, like you did yesterday.
• Sam, what a great job getting yourself dressed. I love the green shirt with the Super Man pajama pants. You have a fabulous sense of style. 
• Kids, terrific job picking up one toy each. You're great at that. Now let's tackle the toy box explosion that is the living room floor.

As parents, we do this to encourage good behavior and to teach our kids that we think they're terrific. There's all sorts of research about how praise of this sort doesn't work after age 8 because kids are smart enough to recognize the slight tones of insincerity in your voice. But I'm here to tell you, it's nice to have the little things recognized. Be sincere, let her know she's great, and do it for your wife today.

Sure, it's her job to take out the trash, or do the laundry, or balance the checkbook, or however your family divides up chores. But after a few decades of doing these tasks, they can come to seem pretty thankless. Say thanks today, and it might encourage more good behavior and (more importantly) remind your spouse that you notice and appreciate all her hard work.

2. Show Sympathy First. When my daughter climbs out of her chair and falls on her head, I rush to her, make sure she's physically okay and give her the cuddling she needs before I remind her that it's her own darn fault and that I've warned her about this a dozen times. Wives (and husbands) need sympathy first too. Sure, we're likely to complain about the same things all the time - rough days at work, rough days with the kids, rough conversations with family members. Instead of jumping right to the solution, or letting us know it's our own darn fault, start by showing a little sympathy.

3. Ignore the occasional infraction. Consistency is the bedrock of good parenting. I believe that totally. At the same time, sometimes you have to ignore the little things: sure Maggie threw her spoon on the ground again, but I'm going to overlook this little error so we can concentrate on something more important (like not standing up in her chair, for example ... can you tell I've seen a lot of that this week?). Likewise, sometimes I overlook a bit of bad behavior from Sam because I know he does know better, and it's not consistent with his normally obedient and cheerful personality.

I want Cliff to overlook a few things with me, too. When I rant for three minutes in an angry tone that's inconsistent with my normal outlook, write it off as an anomaly. When I forget to do something I said I'd do, forgive me quickly because you know it was an accident. Ignore the occasional minor infraction.

Cliff's pretty good at all this stuff. And frankly, these sorts of "tricks" work on him (and probably all husbands) just as well as they work on wives. We all want to know our spouse appreciates us, cares about our concerns, and forgives our little mistakes. You need the same tool set for good parenting and good partnering.

Why Reading Fiction is Good for Your Marriage

My daughter with the books she felt she must read before nap. 

Guess she's on her way to high emotional intelligence. 

I love novels but I try not to read more than a few a year. Why? Because when I let myself get lost in a book, I get really lost: I've found myself praying for fictional characters before. And while that kind of distraction is a blast, it's murder for your To Do list, and not so great for the husband and kids that want your attention too.

Luckily, I'm married to a man who likes a good novel too - and so on our five day 10th anniversary trip, we each read the entire Hunger Games series. Delightful. Turns out, reading fiction was a darn good way to make us better partners.

Last week Harvard Business Review's Anne Kreamer published a post titled, "The Business Case for Reading Fiction." (Thank you, Ms. Kreamer, for giving me an excuse to read instead of tackle my email inbox.) Kreamer makes the case - through research - that reading gives us a level of emotional intelligence that makes us better colleagues. And, by extension, better partners or parents.

The research Kreamer highlights shows that reading fiction makes you better at perceiving emotion in the eyes and interpreting social cues. (This, perhaps, explains why all the science fiction nerds you knew in high school are now happily married to hotter-than-expected spouses.) Fiction also develops your empathy skills, which means you respond with, "I'm so sorry to hear that," when your wife tells you about her awful day at work, rather than, "Not again. I will not hear this story again."

I'm also convinced that reading can feed our need for adventure, as we live vicariously through the characters. When you're in year 10 of what you hope will be a life-long marriage, a little safe adventure is a good thing.

In our relationship, reading the same books, sometimes even aloud, has been a great way to spur conversations about ethical choices, our future dreams, and social issues. It's also made long car trips fun adventures instead of a drag. (Now that our kids are old enough to listen in, we've moved to the books of Roald Dahl, which are kid-safe but delightfully entertaining for adults.)

I didn't need another excuse to love good fiction, but I'll take it. Thanks, Ms. Kreamer. And friends, tell me what books you've been engrossed by lately: I think it's time for date night at the library.

When was the Last Time You Made an UglyDoll?

Photo used with permission, by hahatango.

I'm a sucker for a good love story. Let me share one I learned of this past holiday season.

Our son Sam, now 5, added "UglyDoll" to his very short Christmas wish list. Since my knowledge of what's hot in childhood toys is stuck somewhere around Cabbage Patch Dolls and Monchichis, I had to do a little research. Turns out UglyDolls are creatures like you see in the photo on the left - nonsensical creations with misplaced eyes, horns, extra appendages, etc. They are, as the website reminds me, Hip and Hug-gable.

In doing my UglyDoll research, I came across the story of the dolls' creators, David Horvath and Sun-Min Kim. Here's how Wikipedia tells their story:

It started with a letter David Horvath wrote to Sun-Min Kim just after she had to move away due to a student visa expiring, long before they were married. That letter had a cartoon of his character Wage at the bottom saying: "Working hard to make our dreams come true so we can be together again soon" next to it. That dream was to tell stories through books and toys. As a surprise gift Sun-Min sewed a doll of Wage, and sent it to David in the mail. David showed Wage to his pal Eric Nakamura, owner of the Giant Robot magazine and store, who thought David was pitching him a product and immediately ordered a few more for his shop. David wrote to Sun Min asking her to sew more, while sending emails with stories about Wage, Babo and Ice-Bat's first ever adventure ...

Terribly romantic, don't you think? These are the sort of things we do when we're madly in love: send letters filled with cartoons, sew handmade creations, work to make your dreams come true. Grand gestures of love.

So here's your question of the day, When was the last time you made an UglyDoll?

Now I can't sew to save my life, and drawing isn't my thing either. But I'm capable of my own sort of grand gestures of love. I made a few, about 10 years ago. And just because we aren't separated by miles, or in the early years of our romance, doesn't mean Cliff doesn't still deserve an occasional UglyDoll. Find a grand gesture and surprise your partner this week.

The marriage particle accelerator

You probably think that a particle accelerator is a device that uses electromagnetic fields to propel charged particles towards each other at high speeds. But marriage particle accelerators look a little different. You don't need a synchrotron or beam aperture to propel two spouses towards each other at high speeds...you just need a small space and lots of uninterrupted time together.


Like many couples, Amber and I were informed during our pre-marital counseling that marriage is not a band-aid but a magnifying glass. This statement's obviously pretty cliche, but sometimes a statement gains cliche status because it's somewhat accurate. Were a friend to imply that his present relationship troubles will be alleviated after he finally gets married, I would probably chuckle nervously and repeat the old adage myself. Married people know that's not how it works. Conflict and troubles are more likely after marriage, not less likely. And conflict and troubles are more likely when two friends become roommates too. According to the old cliche, previous patterns/issues (both good and bad) get magnified; that said, I would actually argue that a particle accelerator is a better analogy.


Amber and I often called Peace Corps our own personal marriage particle accelerator. After all, we were pretty much together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for nearly 2 years. We slept in the same bed, worked in the same building and ate at the same table. That's a lot more chances for us to irritate each other or make thoughtless remarks. It's not that our conflicts were magnified...it's just that they were much more likely to happen. When you start propelling particles around in a small space, you're likely to get some collisions. That's what our Peace Corps experience was like, but we learned some good tricks along the way. Here are a couple:


1) Give each other breathing room - When Amber and I were reading different books in Peace Corps, I had a really bad habit of asking about the book, waiting a few seconds, sharing something from my book, waiting a few seconds and then starting the cycle again. Eventually, I learned to let her read in peace. We were together constantly...my little question or update could wait. Even in a small room, it's possible to provide breathing room.


2) Look on the bright side - When two partners spend whole days apart, they need to update each other during the evenings. But spending every moment together transitioned us from updating to...well...complaining. There were annoying co-workers and frustrating circumstances and language difficulties and a host of other problems, after all. For a while there, our togetherness seemed to engender bitch sessions more than encouragement. We learned to limit our rants to around 3 minutes (an old interpersonal communication tip that Amber brought to our relationship) and sometimes avoid certain topics altogether. 


There were other tips too, but I think you get the idea. These practices came in handy just recently. The holiday season is a mini-accelerator every single year. We're in cars and we're in cramped quarters and we're not getting alone time. If we weren't colliding with each other before, we likely will be during that two week stretch. So I let my wife read in peace while our daughter napped and she did not complain every time she could have. Marriage might turn into a particle accelerator sometimes, but there are ways to avoid being caught in super-collisions.


- Cliff (aka The Husband)

The evilOlive Theory of Relationships

If you ask me, Chicago's nightclub evilOlive receives my award for Best. Name. Ever. I'm a sucker for a palindrome.

I can't vouch for the actual quality of the club: never been inside. The Yelp comments - "Ambiance: hipster," "Porn and Chickens Monday," "crowded with some shady dudes" - have dissuaded me.

Just the same, the club came to mind last night as I watched the pilot episode of How I Met Your Mother. I'd never actually seen an episode of the show before, and after a handful of friends mentioned its funniness, I decided to check it out. And that's when The Olive Theory entered my life.

The Olive Theory is based on Marshall and Lily, a couple on the show. She loves olives, he hates them, and in an odd way that's what makes them a perfect couple. Or so another character explains.

Essentially, this is the theory that opposites attract. And for a few of my friends, this is true. For some others, this isn't true. As I think I've said before on this blog, my sister in law likes to say that "Opposites attract, but likes stick."

As the episode of How I Met Your Mother progresses, we learn that Marshall actually does like olives: he offered Lily his olives on their first date to make a good impression, and he's been pretending ever since. Lily eventually realizes this, and decides to make their impending marriage work anyway.

So, six years after the episode first aired, I've decided to rename the theory. It shall now be known, in my own (very) little sphere of influence, as The evilOlive Theory. Evil because "opposites attract" is a poor theory upon which to base a relationship. It can be true sometimes, but when you depend on it, forwards and backwards, it spells trouble.

Of course, "likes stick" is a poor theory to base your relationship on too. What does work is deciding to make it work. [Warning: the next sentence is really cheesy.] I'm going to call this The Pickle Theory, as in, "sometimes you can be a real pickle, but I love you anyway."

***
Hey - have you voted for our new name yet? Read the blog entry that explains what we're looking for, and then vote on the right.

Would You Please Make a Decision For Us?

Have you ever avoided doing something you need (and want) to do, simply because you can't make a fairly basic decision? In the business world, they call this Analysis Paralysis. In my personal life, I call this The Last Four Months.

We've intended to give the blog a new name and its own URL for several months now. We want a name that's catchy and explanatory. That shows we take marriage seriously, but has a sense of humor. That's short enough to be remembered and long enough to say something.

Unfortunately, we're a little late to the game, and a lot of good names are already taken. The following four names have made it to the Finals ... but we can't seem to pull the trigger on any one. We offer the names and our thinking on them below. You can vote for your favorite on the right. Please share your comments as well as your vote - we'll make a decision next week based on the feedback you give.

1. Weddedness.com: You know what the blog is about when you hear that title. And I like the fact that it's not really a word, but you still know exactly what it means.

2. MarriedAnd.com: For this one, you have to imagine the graphic at the top of the page - "Married And" is in bold text, with a blank line that is filled in with rotating text: Married and loving it. Married and making it work. Etc.

3. GoToBedAngry.com: We like to think of this blog as a place where you might hear some straight talk and unconventional ideas about how to stay married (mostly happily). Go To Bed Angry captures that idea - it's antithetical to the standard marriage advice you've received, but sometimes it's not such a bad idea. You'll wake up happier ... which is hopefully how you'll also feel when reading this blog.

4. ForBetterOrSmirk.com: We like this play on the marriage vows. We're totally committed to our relationship, but try not to take ourselves (or this blog) overly seriously. This title would communicate that.

Again ... you have one week to vote and share your thoughts. It's much appreciated.

** UPDATED **
In comments on Facebook and the blog, a few people have asked the same questions. Here are the answers:

Why not keep The Marriage Project as the name? 
Good question. I (Amber) picked the name late one night without actually consulting my husband. That's usually a bad idea, but thankfully he didn't mind the name too much. But as we actually started doing our research, we discovered that a lot of other people use The Marriage Project, or variants of that name. Most notably, University of Virginia runs The National Marriage Project, which is a giant research initiative (that is really cool, by the way). We concluded that we wouldn't be able to distinguish ourselves with a name that was so frequently used by others.

Additionally, it's not actually a project: we don't have a scope or time frame.

Also, we can't get a unique URL with marriage project (at least as a .com, which I prefer). And I can never remember the current address so I need a simple and unique URL.

But aren't you going to lose readers by switching names? Will Google know where to find you? 
I love this question because it implies that people are finding us through Google. In truth, right now, most of our readers are friends who hear about a post from Facebook. We'd like to expand our readership and the unique URL will be part of that. (As will the Facebook page and Twitter account we'll eventually establish.)

Are you doing this for money?
Ha! Nope, not at all. It's a fun hobby that has meaning for me, and hopefully for a few others.


Have other questions? 
Your questions and comments are helping us think through the decision - keep them coming.

The Rule of Anecdotal Value (A Resource for Marriage Decision Making)

Yep. There's a story in the making. 

Cliff and I have been into The Moth lately. For those of you that aren't hip and trendy like us, The Moth is a national group that features story tellers telling stories. Because what else would they do? The stories are all true, and are told at regular "story slams" that are held across the country. Not to brag, but my husband placed in the top 3 at a recent Chicago slam.

But I digress.

On one of our long holiday drives, we listened to the podcast of the first Chicago Moth Grand Slam, which was hosted by NPR personality Peter Sagal (of "Wait, Wait! Don't Tell Me!" fame). Peter told a story to get the slam started - in part because it warms up the audience for the competitors, and in part because he just likes the sound of his own voice.

But I digress.

I don't recall the story itself, but I do recall Sagal started by mentioning a rule he tries to live by. It was coined by a friend of his, and has (within their circle of friends) come to be called "The Rule of Anecdotal Value." Essentially, the rule says that when faced with two equally meritorious choices, always pick the one that will lead to a better story in the future.

I've given The Rule of Anecdotal Value (or TRAV) a test drive since then, and I have to say TRAV is a decent decision making tool for me. Maggie, on the morning of her second birthday, adamantly insisted on wearing her soccer uniform shirt rather than the party dress I'd picked out. After consulting TRAV I determined that 20 years from now, I'll be more amused by a picture of my stubborn little girl in her soccer uniform than in a now-out-of-style party dress. 'Lil Kickers jersey it is.

Eight years ago, Cliff and I faced a more life-altering decision: stay in Chicago and work, or join the Peace Corps. Even though we didn't know TRAV then, we made the right decision to follow the better story - and  it was one of our Peace Corps stories that Cliff told at The Moth slam last month.

Sometimes TRAV can lead you astray. But life is full of big and small moments where you can (with appropriate levels of risk) choose the more anecdotal option. If you and your spouse haven't done something for anecdotal value lately, make it a goal this year. It doesn't have to be dramatic: visit the Museum of Questionable Medical Devices on your next vacation (this is a real place), create your own Donut Crawl (like a beer crawl, but with icing), or try a home improvement project without a professional. Do something that's a story worth repeating.

If You Want Your Resolution to Stick, Resolve Together

In January 2011, my New Year's resolution was to start a blog - this one. My goal was to end the year with a minimum of one post per week. At the close of December, Cliff and I had 133 posts on this blog (and that was with taking much of the month off), so I guess this was one of those rare resolutions that actually stuck.

About half of all Americans make New Year's resolutions in any given year, and only 10% of them last. (I actually think that might be high. As a little experiment, think of all the resolutions you've made and kept. I can officially think of two.)

The most common resolutions are to lose weight, exercise more, stop smoking, spend more time with the family, and get out of debt. You know what these things have in common? If you're married, your success will almost certainly be dependent on the support you get from your spouse. 

It would be tough for me to lose weight if Cliff taunted me with a bowl of ice cream every night at 10 p.m. You can't balance the budget without agreeing, together, on how to spend the income you have. 

If you want this year's resolution to make it into the national 10% of successful ones, then consider resolving together with your partner. This doesn't mean you have to have the same resolution - it just means you have to agree to support each other. Here's how:

Make your resolution public - at least to your spouse. We've all had the stealth-resolution before: "I'll try this for a few days to see if it sticks, before I tell anyone." Skip that this year and confess to your partner today.

Tell your spouse how to support you. If you know what you need, don't expect your spouse to figure it out on his or her own. Say something like this, "Honey, I'm trying to lose 10 pounds by summer. Will you help me think of some quick suppers we can fix so we don't just pick up a pizza when we get busy?" 

Establish the level of accountability you want. Some people want their partners watching out for resolution-infractions; others don't want to turn their wife into Big Brother. Figure out how much accountability you want, and make it clear: "If I'm going to save more, I have to cut my discretionary spending. I'll review my spending every two weeks: when you see me doing the budget, will you ask how I feel about the progress I'm making?" 

Consider the sacrifices you make for your spouse as a sign of your love. Frustrated that you're stuck with the kids on Saturday morning while your husband trains for a marathon? Instead of grousing about the inconvenience, accept the sacrifice as an important way to support your spouse and show your love. (The converse, of course, is to recognize the sacrifices your spouse is making and thank him or her profusely.)

Plan 30- and 60-day check-ins. Set aside time on your calendar to go over your resolutions and goals with your partner. Make a date of it - even if it's just an "after the kids go to bed, on the living room couch" sort of date - and hold yourselves accountable to showing up. 

Pick a safe word. Remember, when you were a kid, you could always scream "Uncle!" to tell your friends you were willing to surrender the wrestling match? Resolutions need to come with a safe word too. This is a way to tell your partner that you're giving up: sure, I meant to write a novel in 2012, but it looks like it will have to be 2013 instead. Uncle! Once you've given this word, you're off the hook.

What are your resolutions for 2012, and how is your partner supporting you? I'm certain I survived my 2011 Blog Resolution because Cliff was a willing partner and supporter. I hope your spouse does the same for you. 

-----

Bonus materials:

We've blogged before about the importance of having your partner's back ... which seems relevant to this post on supporting each other through New Year's Resolutions. Check out these links:

Protecting Your Marriage's Blind Side - featuring Jay Cutler, before the season crashed and burned. 

What it Feels Like When Someone Has Your Back - featuring a funny story about becoming a dentist