Saying you're sorry is hard stuff. I know this because Cliff and I have been coaching our four year-old on how to do it. Sometimes I can watch him physically struggle to get the words out: pride is powerful, even when you're too little to know the word.
Apologizing is no easier in marriage. Who wants to admit to being wrong? Sometimes you're not even convinced you were wrong - and yet, you know an apology is needed. And who wants to risk saying you're sorry if you're not going to get an apology in return? (The only thing that's worse is saying "I love you," and getting "I think you're really sweet," in reply.)
Just the same, no marriage lasts for long (or at least, lasts happily) without frequent and sincere apologies.
In my opinion, four things have to happen for an apology to take. Here's my spin on how to say you're sorry:
1. Get his (or her) attention. At Sam's age, a simple, "Excuse me," will suffice most of the time. We also teach him to gently put his hand on someone's arm, and wait until they turn their attention to him.
In the heat of a marital spat, getting your spouse's attention may not be that easy. What you're trying to signal is not just that you want him or her to listen (you've wanted that all along) but that you have something new to say - something he or she wants to hear.
"I need to say something," might be strong enough to get the job done. You can also pull the car to the side of the road. Move closer to her on the couch. Bring him a drink. Whatever it takes to know your partner is listening.
2. Say what you need to say, and say it clearly. Starting with a simple and direct, "I'm sorry," is usually best. Take a deep breath, and then just say it.
Here's the important thing about this step: you absolutely must say either, "I'm sorry," "I apologize," or "I was wrong." You cannot half-ass an apology and have it count.
In other words, this is not a real apology: "Maybe I wasn't as thoughtful as I should have been when I called your mom an intrusive little gossip monger."
Also, you can't use the words "I'm sorry" to continue the argument: "I'm sorry you just can't understand how important guys night out is to me."
3. Explain why you were wrong. This might be the hardest part. Sometimes you still feel slighted. Sometimes you aren't so sure what you did was wrong. Sometimes you know your spouse needs to apologize too, and you're pretty sure you won't hear those words from her for a few more days.
Just the same, you've got to choke out something that shows you understand what you're apologizing for. Our son has to say, "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have used my Crayons on the car seat."
You have to say, "I'm sorry. I know you want me to call when I'm going to be late from work, and I didn't do it."
"Honey, I apologize. I promised to pick up the dry cleaning, and I meant to. I completely forgot, and it was irresponsible."
"I was wrong. I shouldn't have yelled at you for deleting the football game from the DVR. You didn't know I was saving it."
"I'm sorry I got so frustrated when we were talking about money. I didn't mean to imply that you aren't being careful with our cash. I was just feeling tense, and that came through in my tone of voice. I trust you."
4. Show your sincerity. This might be the most important step of all.
The best way to show your sincerity is through changed behavior. I won't believe Sam's apology for coloring on the car seat if he does it again tomorrow. You won't accept your partner's apology for yelling about money if she does it again the next time you balance the budget.
Change is tough - especially for us adults. But if you really want to master the Art of the Apology, you've got to be sincere.
There you have it: four "simple" steps to saying you're sorry. Of course, some marital spats are really more like full-on wars, and the two magic words of "I'm sorry," won't end the battles. Starting with step 4 might be the best approach here.
And, in other cases, a fully developed apology might be a bit of over-kill. In that case, a simple, "Sorry I was grumpy," might suffice.
Regardless, saying your sorry gets easier with practice and tends to elicit similar responses from your partner. And you know what they say about make-up sex.
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