Can You Hear Me Now?

For several years, Amber and I wrestled with relational inequity: her employer provided her with a smart phone while I was scraping by with a cheap phone that had no contract, a monochrome screen and a game called snake that made Atari’s early 80s video game systems look fancy. During our family’s morning routine, Amber would sometimes stand by the kitchen counter, sifting through messages on her BlackBerry. Meanwhile, I would stand nearby making sanctimonious comments about being present and truly listening. You see, righteous indignation is much more easily justified than outright jealousy.

Cliff on his cell phone, circa 2009

But then – about 9 months ago – everything changed: we both got iPhones. Now I was the one checking scores at the dinner table or replying to friends while driving (insert your own sanctimonious comment here)…and she was still checking her e-mail at the kitchen counter every morning. You could say we’d developed some bad habits. Last fall, NPR ran a series of stories on marriage in a digital age, and this story on the marital impact of digital devices struck a chord:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=130698574

The primary couple profiled by NPR talked about how having children changed things: the husband would be checking e-mails while missing moments with their new daughter. By the time his messages were sent, his daughter was tired and the moment was gone. They quickly learned that family life could not be paused like a DVR, and that necessitated some ground rules: (1) no texting till after their daughter’s bedtime, (2) each spouse is allowed 3 firm interruptions of iPhone use per evening.

Amber and I have developed some basic ground rules too, like not allowing cell phone use at the dinner table. We both love our iPhones, but the thing is that we love each other more. What terms have you negotiated with your spouse around digital technology? Post a comment, and share your wisdom.

- Cliff (aka The Husband)