Life is filled with altered plans: rain checks, flight delays, traffic jams, late meetings. The list goes on. Some people cope better with last minute adjustments than others.
Yesterday brought just such an unexpected change of plans for our household. Chicago endured a weather shift that qualified as remarkable even in our fair city: a dramatic transition from 90 degree Thursday afternoon to 43 degree Sunday afternoon, not to mention the 25 mile per hour winds and continual rainfall. And (wait for it) we had Cubs tickets for Sunday afternoon. Our four-year-old son had spent weeks getting geared up for a seventh inning stretch, Crackerjacks and a ball park hot dog. As Amber and I debated an afternoon of watching baseball in the freezing wind and rain, he pleaded with us to attend anyway. As I said earlier, some of us cope better with last minute adjustments than others.
What does this have to do with marriage? In a sense, every long-term relationship is made up of unplanned detours and forced adaptations. The question is simply how two people cope together. Yesterday’s baseball game debate brought on a conversation between Amber and I about other unexpected changes of plans in our relationship:
- A date night that morphed into attending a used book fair with our children
- A weekend get-away that suffered through blizzard like conditions and an AWFUL hotel
- A day trip in Mozambique that culminated with a locked gear shift and a very long taxi ride
Every relationship has stories like these, and those moments demonstrate a great deal about both individuals and their relationships. I tend to become very fixated on imagined outcomes (for example, a beautiful sunny day with my kids at a ball game), but that often leads to palpable frustration when things change. Everyone detects my sour mood, but Amber notices it most of all. Regardless of how my wife’s dealing with these sudden shifts, my growing frustration inevitably tests her patience and mettle. In other words, relationships easily double the difficulty of dealing with changed plans. Here’s what we’ve learned over the years:
1) We cannot control each other’s emotions. Amber’s attempts to stop me from becoming frustrated typically end with her frustrated also; I’m the only one that can relinquish my previously imagined outcomes.
2) Our kids will learn coping skills by watching us. It was hard enough changing plans before children. As parents, we no longer have the luxury of sulking or throwing fits, so we’ve been learning to smile (or at least feign enjoyment) during life’s little unplanned adventures.
3) Our stories from when plans quickly disintegrated turned out to be our favorite memories. In fact, yesterday’s baseball game situation precipitated a great conversation about past mishaps.
Speaking of yesterday’s baseball game, Major League Baseball saved the day: our game was postponed to late June. You would think our son was crushed, right? Not so much. He frowned a bit, asked if we could go another time and went back to playing with firetrucks. In short, he dealt with this particular curveball far better than his parents. But someday he’ll have to deal with these little “adventures” alongside his spouse; that’s when things get complicated.
- Cliff (aka The Husband)
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