As Is

"AS IS" – Ani Difranco

Just give up
And admit you're an a**hole
You would be
In some good company
I think you'd find
That your friends would forgive you
Or maybe I
Am just speaking for me

And I've got
No illusions about you
And guess what?
I never did
And when I said
When I said I'll take it
I meant,
I meant as is

Those song lyrics may not exactly seem inspirational, but I think most people take solace in knowing that their partners do not expect perfection. That’s part of the deal, right? Not only do we take vows regarding sickness and health, but there's also an unspoken understanding that each partner will be loved despite occasionally behaving like an "a**hole." Speaking personally, I bank on that kind of love/forgiveness from Amber every single day.

But that begs a question: How far does such acceptance extend? While spouses take each other “as is,” they also expect a certain amount of responsibility and commitment over the long-term. Just last weekend, headlines broke regarding another high profile marriage that was ending. When Maria Shriver wedded Arnold Schwarzenegger, she committed to him “as is.” But the revelation that Arnold fathered a child out of wedlock obviously changed things more than a little. While divorce is far from a foregone conclusion (see post from 2/14/11), it’s a common reality nonetheless: There’s a certain point where our wedding vows seem small in comparison to everything that’s transpired within a relationship. Few of us reach that point over dirty socks repeatedly left on the bedroom floor, but a child out of wedlock obviously has a larger impact. You could say there’s a range of hurts we inflict on each other, and there’s most certainly a range of spouses’ commitment level amidst those hurts.

So how far does your “as is” commitment extend? What about your spouse? It’s a conversation worth having, regularly and repeatedly. Hillary Clinton and Maria Shriver faced the unenviable task of answering those questions unexpectedly and in the public eye, and they reached very different end results. While most of us will avoid paparazzi and tabloids during our lifetimes, committing to loving someone without illusion or pretense remains a pretty tough thing. I think Ms. Difranco’s lyrics capture both that toughness and the wonderfulness of wedding vows. “As is” seems pretty remarkable indeed.

- Cliff (aka The Husband)