Revisionist History

Close your eyes and think back to how you and your partner met. How did it happen? What attracted you to him/her? What made you decide this was the person you wanted to marry?

If you can do this with ease, your marriage is probably in good shape. People who are in troubled marriages often struggle to recall the magic of how they met, the characteristics that attracted them, or how they knew "she's the one."

When a marriage starts to go downhill, the individuals often participate in the revision of history. What had once seemed like a charming "meet cute" (to use the Hollywood term) now becomes characterized as an unlucky coincidence, full of foreshadowing of a disappointing fate. Those personality quirks that were once so adorable are now seen as harbingers of annoying habits and arguments to come.

To some extent this is a natural part of the change process: if you're thinking of ending a relationship, it helps to disassociate yourself from any lingering warm feelings. Cliff and I first noticed this in the stories of a friend who was going through a divorce. Though clearly once happily married, she recast the early days of her relationship as "just a friendship," not a true marriage.

Perhaps you can see revisionist history in other, less monumental departures in your own life: You start seeing the inadequacies of a house you've loved just as it becomes necessary to sell it. A favorite boss announces she is leaving your company, and in this new light her faults become more obvious. You can't recall what you once had in common with a friend who has recently said something that hurt you.

Turning Good Memories to Bad
Marriage expert John Gottman says bad memories, through the rewriting of history, are one of the primary indicators of a future divorce:

"...When a marriage is not going well, history gets rewritten - for the worse. Now she recalls that he was thirty minutes late getting to the ceremony. Or he focuses on all the time she spent talking to his best man at the rehearsal dinner - or "flirting" with his friend, as it seems to him now. Another sad sign is when you find the past difficult to remember - it has become so unimportant or painful that you've let it fade away." (From The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver)

How do we keep the past from fading away? This will come easy to some marriages. For those that struggle with holding the good memories, Gottman's book offers some easy exercises as a place to start. He recommends countering negative thoughts with an intentional effort to appreciate your spouse's strengths.

But exercises and appreciation may not be enough for a problem so serious that Gottman calls it one of the six signs of an impending divorce. If you notice your relationship's history is looking more grim than it used to, rewrite the present: seek help.