Last summer, The Atlantic ran a feature story called, “The End of Men.” You see, women now compose a majority of the American workforce, outpacing their male counterparts in terms of both management roles and post-secondary education.
As a result, many married men are suddenly growing accustomed to staying home with children and depending upon their wives’ paychecks. It can be a tough adjustment for individuals and families, both emotionally and psychologically.
Interestingly enough, our household has had plenty of experience with this domestic reversal of fortune. After nearly 10 years of marriage, 2010 was the first year I managed to surpass my wife’s income…and that required Amber to both have a baby and start working part-time (okay, it also took some creative math on my part). So I wanted to share some thoughts/habits as an American male that is not accustomed to being the primary breadwinner for his household.
1) Talk about your parents…and the Seavers.
While most couples discuss the roles their parents played in shaping expectations around finances, domestic responsibilities and gender roles, the conversation shouldn’t stop after pre-marital counseling. I may conceptually agree that it’s fine for Amber to make more money, but certain assumptions about which partner should work full-time or earn income are hard to shake…especially when our parents modeled more traditional patterns.
Do you remember the TV show “Growing Pains”? Jason Seaver may have seemed enlightened, but even he struggled when his career took a backseat to Maggie’s broadcasting job. Couples need to talk about their assumptions (both familial and cultural) before, during and after these kinds of shifts take place. Otherwise, you may find yourself acting out scenes that seem all too familiar.
2) Think in terms of family income and family flexibility.
It can hurt anyone’s ego when good paying work becomes hard to find or income diminishes, but there are huge advantages to thinking of work/income through a familial lens rather than an individual lens.
Five years into my relationship with Amber, I had yet to have a full-time salaried position. But I used those five years to volunteer full-time with a residential program for men in recovery, earn a graduate degree and then serve as a Peace Corps Volunteer with Amber. Amber’s income allowed me greater flexibility, just as my income might allow her greater flexibility one day. Relationships often go through seasons in that regard. I came to view it as an asset for our family: it opened up opportunities for me that might not have existed otherwise.
3) Remember you are not an expert.
Because Amber has made more money than me for the entirety of our marriage, it would be easy for me to assume that I’m an expert, right? Wrong. We still have to talk about how I feel when my paycheck isn’t enough to pay bills or how she feels when our dependence on her income limits her career’s flexibility. The circumstance may be familiar, but the feelings are dynamic and new. We’re always learning.
So there you have some thoughts on dealing with a world where males suddenly find themselves making less and adjusting to new familial roles. If you ever find yourself in that situation, allow me to assure you that there will be some rough moments, but there will be big benefits as well.
- Cliff (aka The Husband)
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